Foreign Correspondence
by Cameron Kennedy
Summary: Some events, frankly, aren't important enough to make international news.
1. New Experiences

**AN:** I NEED to get these cracky Hetalia-plot bunnies out of my head... This particular first chapter was written more or less for the last line. Or maybe for France's part; I can't quite decide.

This whole fic is for Eggy. Seriously - I hope my random spontaneity brightens up your life! :D

_I don't own Hetalia, nor would I claim to have come up with the format for this - the basic layout was based off of a Death Note fic called "Dear L." I asked VG Jekyll if I could borrow it. But otherwise yeah, the plot (or lack thereof) is mine.  
_

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 1**

**Title: New Experiences**  
**Main Characters: Italy/Veneziano**  
**Publish Date: February 25, 2011**

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**XXX **

* * *

Dear World,  
Ciao, it's Italy~! Germany got me a new computer for Christmas, and I'm trying to decide what to use it for~! Any helpful ideas~?

* * *

**Italy, are you sure that asking EVERYONE for advice was a good idea...?**  
**Germany**

* * *

Ve, Germany, of course it is~! Who knows what I'll learn~?  
Italy

* * *

**...Well, they say that experience is the best teacher. Just don't open anything Prussia sends to you.**  
**Germany**

* * *

_Italy,_  
_You simply MUST visit this website - it has some very good digital art programs that I think you'd appreciate._  
_Austria_

_-link attached-_

* * *

Ve~! Thank you very much~!  
Italy

* * *

**Hey Italy, check out this webpage!**  
**England**

**-link attached-**

* * *

But, England, I think there's been a mistake~! You sent me a web address to something called, "Thirteen Delectable Frog Dishes"~! Are frog dishes common in England~?  
Italy

* * *

**No, Italy, they aren't. And it wasn't a mistake - you like to cook, right? I thought you might appreciate some new recipes.**  
**England**

* * *

Oh, ve~! I don't know where I can find any frogs, but I will try these out~!  
Italy

* * *

**Ask France, I hear there's an infestation at his place.**  
**England**

* * *

_Italy, dude, you HAVE to try playing World of Warcraft! BEST. GAME. EVER._  
_America_

* * *

Ve, no thank you~! I saw some ads for that, and it looks really scary~! Thank you for suggesting it though~!  
Italy

* * *

_You're kidding, right? It's not scary! It kicks ass!_  
_America_

* * *

**FUCK YOU FRATELLO! I DON'T EVEN HAVE A GODDAMN COMPUTER! I HAVE TO BORROW SPAIN'S LAPTOP ALL THE TIME! LUCKY BASTARD!**

* * *

Ve, sorry Romano~! Would you like some hug therapy~?  
Italy

* * *

**NO!**

* * *

_Italy-kun,_  
_Greetings. I can send you some links to some outstanding shounen-ai manga if you wish. It's very entertaining to read._  
_Japan_

* * *

What's a "shounen-ai"~? Is that a food~? Yay, food~! Send it please~!  
Italy

* * *

_Italy-kun,_  
_Greetings. My apologies, it seems as though all the, ahem, recipes have been deleted from my computer. If I find them later, I will remember to send them to you._  
_Japan_

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**Italy,**  
**You know, the Internet is Really Really Great!**  
**Prussia**

**-link attached-**

* * *

Ve, what's the link to~? Germany said not to open the links you send to me~!  
Italy

* * *

**It's just to YouTube, I promise! Besides, West is just jealous that I'm more awesome at finding cool stuff online than he is!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

Oh, goodie~! I'm going to check it out now~!  
Italy

* * *

_Italy,_  
_I suggest that you browse this photography website, aru._  
_China_

_-link attached-_

* * *

PANDA BEARS~! They look so adorable, ve~! Thank you, China~!  
Italy

* * *

**To Italy,**  
**Look at this, da?**  
**Russia**

**-file attached-**

* * *

A contract on "becoming one," ve~? I don't think I understand~!  
Italy

* * *

**Just print off the form and sign it, da?  
**

* * *

So sorry, but Germany's printer is broken~!  
Italy

* * *

_Italy,_  
_I think this is a very good website, non?_  
_France_

_-link attached-_

* * *

A website on the Louvre~? It looks so fun~!  
Italy

* * *

_Oh, you don't have to limit yourself to photos of it, mon cher! You may come and visit Paris (and moi) anytime you like._  
_France_

* * *

Ve~? But I thought your house had only one bedroom~!  
Italy

* * *

_Why so it does._  
_France_

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Ah well~! Maybe Germany and I will come and visit anyway~!  
Italy

* * *

_Sounds wonderful._  
_France_

* * *

Dear World,  
Thank you very much for your time and effort~! I've found some really cool things to do on this computer now~!  
Italy

* * *

_Dear Italy,_  
_You forgot to ask my opinion..._  
_Canada_

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**Prussia,**  
**WHY the HELL is Italy walking around my house singing, "The Internet is For Porn"? Don't act like you're not responsible!**  
**Germany**


	2. Inebriation

**AN:** I can't decide if France is lying about the FrUKing in this or not. **CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH.** He's a manipulative little snot who hates England enough that he might have made this whole scenario up, in which case something else incredibly embarrassing happened... Not that this outright explains that last email, but I couldn't resist. XD

When you get to the sentence entirely in French, it's supposed to translate to, "That's what she said, darling." Just FYI. (I'm not actually in French, so I'm not terribly confident about it. -.-)

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**XXX**

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**Chapter 2  
**

**Title: Inebriation**  
**Main Characters: England, France**  
**Publish Date: March 5, 2011**

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**XXX**

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**Dear France,**  
**I, frankly, don't want to do this, but my boss said that he thinks I'm behaving very immaturely towards, and I quote, "that frog," and that I need to make amends because we're both adults. So here goes.**  
**France, we've hated each other for centuries, but the world would probably be better off if we stopped this bickering.**  
**There. I wrote it, and I'm actually going to be sending it to make a point. If you laugh at me then I swear to god I'll turn you into a frog.**  
**England**

* * *

_Angleterre,_  
_Your boss is an idiot if he thinks a simple apology is the trick. Was this brought about by that incident last week at the world meeting where you got a hold of the wine, by any chance?_  
_France_

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**France,**  
**My boss is NOT an idiot, thank you very much! He's just young is all...**  
**Hell if I know where his request came from. It's not like that was the first time I've ever gotten drunk, so I don't see why this instance is different.**  
**England**

* * *

_Angleterre,_  
_He may be young compared to us, but he's been in office for how many years now? I don't think you can use the pitiful excuse of ignorance any longer, mon chérie._  
_And while it may not have been your first time with too much wine, rarely can I remember you ever becoming THAT inebriated..._  
_France_

* * *

**France,**  
**Did you just call me "darling"? In the FEMININE form?**  
**And - what did I do while I was drunk? My memory of it isn't exactly crystal clear, so I asked around, but everyone avoids the subject...**  
**England**

* * *

**France, dammit, I KNOW you got the email I sent you three days ago! I'm getting desperate - NOBODY is telling me ANYTHING!**  
**England**

* * *

_Angleterre,_  
_Perhaps against my better judgment, I will tell you. Before I spill this apparent secret, however, enlighten me on three things._  
_1. How much do you remember?_  
_2. How many people have you asked?_  
_3. You sent the first email because your boss told you to. In his exact words, what did he say?_  
_France_

* * *

**France,  
I can't believe I'm actually playing along with this.  
1. Um... nothing?**  
**2. I asked virtually all of Western Europe (they all seemed vaguely disturbed by the subject), Japan (who shifted his eyes), and America (he seemed the most embarrassed by the question).**  
**3. Okay, Mr. Cameron had said something like, "You and France are acting like immature teenagers, and you really need to clear this up before something happens between you and that frog. Work it out."**  
**Now TELL ME. HOW COULD I HAVE POSSIBLY GOTTEN THAT DRUNK OFF OF ONLY WINE?**  
**England**

* * *

_Dear Angleterre,_  
_I write all of this with the biggest grin on my face._  
_If you really must know, you didn't drink only wine - you began with wine towards the end of the meeting before deciding to cut it short and take us all to a pub down the street. Once we got there, you bought a bottle of everything, began mixing liquors, and became so intoxicated that you lost all of your clothes (save for your rather adorable Union-Jack boxers). You then proceeded to rant about Sealand, your absolutely dashing messenger-boy, and how America, Canada, and myself should all "fuck each others' fucking brains the fuck out of our fucking fuckholes tonight" because that would be better than forcing your poor, poor self to decide which one of us is potentially the best partner in bed. However, you mentioned this before you decided that I was the most readily available of the three, and then you proceeded to make out with me in the corner for a full fifteen minutes. Unfortunately that was the time that America came back from the bathroom and became very upset with the both of us - he dragged you off while you were spewing something about him being your darling hero, and I believe he then took you home in a taxi. I don't know what happened once you two got there, but I can make a fairly educated guess._  
_Also, Hungary took a video of the whole thing, and Japan got a nosebleed._  
_France_

* * *

**WHAT.**  
**YOU BLEEDING BASTARD! YOU'RE LYING!**

* * *

_Am not. Just ask Hungary._

* * *

**YOU'RE LYING! I'M EMAILING AMERICA TO CLEAR THIS UP RIGHT NOW.**

* * *

**America,**  
**I HAVE TO KNOW. WHAT HAPPENED AFTER THE MEETING LAST WEEKEND?**  
**England**

* * *

England,  
...No comment.  
Ask France, I'm sure he'd love to explain the whole incident.  
America

* * *

**America,**  
**FUCK.**  
**England**

* * *

**FRANCE YOU FROG-BASTARD, YOU SHOULD HAVE STOPPED ME!**

* * *

_Why should I have stopped you? I don't like you enough to care. Besides, I would never turn down free love - especially when you come to me for it. You're so cute when you're drunk!_

* * *

**PROMISE ME WE WILL NEVER MENTION THIS AGAIN AND MAYBE I WON'T CURSE YOU TO HELL FOR CALLING ME CUTE.**

* * *

_Ah Angleterre, you amuse me so._

* * *

**FRANCE DON'T YOU TOY WITH ME DAMMIT!**

* * *

_C'est ce qu'elle a dit, mon chérie._

* * *

**FUCK YOU.**

* * *

Hungary-san,  
Greetings. I would like to know if you are willing to sell me any of those video segments (you know the ones).  
Name your price.  
Japan


	3. Fine Tuning

**AN:** I... I don't know. I just don't. XD

I'm pretty sure that all the stuff about piano strings in this is totally legit, by the way. Well, in the context where I read about it, the whole thing _seemed_ legit, at least.

Cookies to whoever can figure out what totally random song Hungary is mentioned singing (albeit with slightly altered lyrics). :D  
(And is it just me, or does anyone else think that Hungary is kind of a creeper in canon? o.O)

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**XXX**

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**Chapter 3  
**

**Title: Fine Tuning**  
**Main Characters: Prussia, Austria, maybe Hungary**  
**Publish Date: March 7, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

**Hey, Austria! Do me a favor and ask Hungary what she thinks of me!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_This isn't another foolish attempt of yours to invade her vital regions, is it?_  
_Austria_

* * *

**Um... no? Okay, maybe a little - but I didn't know she was a GIRL that first time! I was just trying to be funny, and apparently my sense of humor is too awesome for her to appreciate!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Of course it is. Just like that instance where you decided you were "too awesome" to conform to the laws of gravity and decided to test that theory by jumping out of my third-floor window._  
_And I refuse to help you._  
_Austria_

* * *

**WHAT? Come ON, I'll buy you... um... something! Something awesome! Just help me out here!**  
**(And gravity just decided to be a bitch that day - Gilbird can fly, and I'm WAY more awesome than he is!)**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_My answer is still no._  
_Also, I would like to point out that Gilbird has two appendages on his back that we commonly call "wings," and said wings are what allow him to fly. Last time I checked, you didn't have any such body part._  
_Austria_

* * *

**...Say, Austria, has anything at your house disappeared lately?**

* * *

_PRUSSIA, YOU BASTARD! GIVE ME BACK MY PIANO STRINGS THIS INSTANT OR GOD HELP ME I'LL USE THEM TO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF!_

* * *

**Touchy touchy touchy! (That was a very creative threat, by the way - but I don't think it's physically possible to cut someone's head off with a piano wire, smartass.)**  
**Ask Hungary about me and I'll give them back... I'll even hire the most awesome tuner in Europe to fix them for you.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_...Fine. I shall ask her. And for your information, piano wires are incredibly durable and are actually strong enough to slice almost entirely through a human neck if applied correctly. (Also, if by "awesome tuner" you mean yourself, I'll pass your offer by.)_  
_Austria_

* * *

**THANK YOU. Times, like, A BAJILLION. And that's not even sarcasm.**  
**And that piano wire thing - AWESOME. Seriously, how the fuck do you know that? Research? Rumor? Experience?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_I tactfully asked Hungary what she thought of you (ie, "So Prussia's an okay guy, don't you think?"), and she seemed pleasantly surprised when I mentioned your name. After a few prompts, she told me how she thought that you were great and a very nice person (which absolutely astounds me, because neither of those adjectives belong in the same sentence as your name). It's completely true: believe me when I say that I'm not creative enough to make something this bizarre up._  
_Are you happy now?_  
_No, I do not know about piano wires as weapons from experience, although this could quickly change if you don't replace them RIGHT NOW._  
_Austria_

* * *

**Much obliged. You have almost reached my level of awesomeness for telling me this (almost).**  
**Your piano should be fixed by this afternoon.**  
**Tell me if Hungary mentions me at all, okay?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_As a matter of fact, I heard Hungary cleaning her house today, and she was singing some sort of odd parody when I heard your name in the song._  
_This could be a good thing, but I'm rather worried because I also heard a lyric saying something about how Mother Nature is a yaoi fangirl and how she "did what she had to do". What do you think of this?_  
_Just to clarify: if you touch my piano again, then I WILL kill you._  
_Austria_

* * *

Dear Prussia,  
Oh my gosh. I'm not sure how to break this news to you, but... but... AUSTRIA LIKES YOU. A LOT.  
See, he came to me yesterday and asked me a lot of discreet questions about you - he wanted to know if I thought you were NICE and LIKABLE and stuff like that! I think he was trying to ask for some sort of approval in his own unique way, which I thought was really cute... but I kind of wonder if maybe he's just a little too reluctant to admit these feelings to you. And I know you're at least sort of gay, since you tried hitting on me when you thought I was a guy, so... maybe you could take the initiative?  
Also, if you hurt him, you'll get a frying pan to the face.  
Hungary

* * *

**AUSTRIA.  
YOU.  
****FUCKING.  
IDIOT.  
****NOW HUNGARY WANTS US TO GET TOGETHER AND HAVE SEX SO SHE CAN TAPE THE EXPERIENCE AND FANGIRL OVER IT FOR THE NEXT FEW DECADES.  
****Prussia**

**-forwarded message attached-**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Oh no, WHAT HAVE I DONE?_  
_Austria_

* * *

Dear Austria,  
I've never offered anyone anything like this, but since you like Prussia so much, you can come with me tonight when I sneak over to his place to take photos of him! (And don't worry - your crush will be our little secret!)  
Hungary

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_RUN! RUN NOW!_  
_Austria_


	4. Who?

**AN:**Because I just HAVE to put one of these in. XD It may be overdone, but hopefully it's still funny... because let's face it - when isn't Canada's invisibility comical? (No, I have nothing against him. It's just too cute to NOT pick on...) And for those of you who don't like the invisibility factor, the last couple emails might help cheer you a little. :D

As a slightly-relevant side-story, my friend JS2 was messing around on CleverBot and typed in, "I am Matthew Williams!" (which is Canada's human name, for those that aren't as familiar with the countries' aliases) The response: "Matthew Williams who?" TOO FUNNY. XD

(And lol, lame attempts at current events FOR THE WIN. */shot*)

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**XXX**

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**Chapter 4  
**

**Title: Who?**  
**Main Characters: Canada**  
**Publish Date: March 11, 2011**

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**XXX**

* * *

_Dear World,_  
_Hello! Someone notice me! Please!_  
_Canada_

* * *

Ciao~! Who are you?  
Italy

* * *

_Dear Italy,_  
_I'm Canada! You know, America's brother?_

* * *

...Who~?  
Italy

* * *

**Dear America,**  
**Why did you change email addresses?**  
**England**

* * *

_I'm NOT America! I'm CANADA!_

* * *

**Um... I'm sorry, but... you're who?**  
**England**

* * *

Dear Canada,  
Ah, it's been so long since I heard from you last! How are you, mon cher?  
France

* * *

_Dear France,_  
_I've been fine, thank you! I hear things are a little crazy at your place - have those riots stopped yet?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Dear Canada,  
Oui, they have. I think the commotion in Egypt distracted them for a bit.  
Now if you excuse me - I need some rest. America is coming here tomorrow, and opportunity knocks!  
France

* * *

_Dear France,  
WAIT._  
_Did you just hint that you're going to JUMP MY BROTHER?_  
_Canada_

* * *

_Dear America,  
__Look out for France!  
__Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Dude, chill. I'm a hero, remember? I can handle it!**  
**America**

* * *

_Dear France,  
Hello? It's been a week! Have you forgotten me?_  
_Canada_

* * *

_...France?_  
_Canada_

* * *

_Dear America,  
What did France try to do to you?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**He tried to rape me. You know, pull my clothes off and stuff. But that's pretty normal, so whatever.**  
**He might be in the hospital for a few more days, so don't try emailing him, 'kay?**  
**America**

* * *

_Dear America,  
The HOSPITAL? What did you DO to him?_  
_Canada_

* * *

_Hello? America?  
Canada _

* * *

_AMERICA, WHY ARE YOU IGNORING ME? SERIOUSLY, WHY?  
Canada_

* * *

Dude, like, America: what the hell happened to your hair? That fabulous cowlick is gone from your avatar! Now there's this totally whacky curl thing there instead!  
Poland

* * *

_I. Am. Canada._  
_NOT. AMERICA._

* * *

**America,**  
**Scared of being forgotten, da?**  
**Russia**

**-file attached-**

* * *

_I'M CANADA! I DON'T WANT TO BECOME ONE WITH YOU!_

* * *

Hey "Canada,"  
So nobody acknowledges you either, huh?  
Sealand

* * *

_Dear Sealand,  
Finally! A real response! No, everyone just forgets who I am... Which really sucks. They get me confused with America so much it drives me bonkers! The stupid hosers either mix us up or completely ignore my existence - one time Russia sat down on me because he didn't notice I was in the chair! It's very annoying!_  
_Canada_

* * *

...Wait. Who are you again?  
This isn't Latvia trying to screw with my head, is it?  
Sealand

* * *

_Dear World,_  
_I give up. I really do._  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Dude, do you have any more of those pancakes with that kick-ass maple syrup? Because those were AWESOME - I'll never forget them for the rest of my life!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Dear Prussia,_  
_Sure I do! Wanna come over to my place and have some?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,  
Fuck yeah! I'll be there real soon!**  
**Prussia**


	5. Soviet Russia

**AN: **Wow, my life is psycho. Seriously, you people have NO idea how crazy things get at my school around musical season - I'd been at practice every single school day for the past three weeks until sometime around 9 pm each night. Which meant I was spending 14 hours a day at school and was hanging around my chorus teacher than my own mother. I'm totally wiped and want to collapse, which really sucks because this stuff ended LAST WEEK, and I still haven't gotten back on a normal sleeping schedule... -.- But anyway, this chapter was written AGES ago: I just never got around to posting it until now because the site refused to load the page. The premise is kind of lame, but the person that looked it over thought it was a really funny sort of lame. So... yeah. ^^ I just Googled these jokes, except for the last one, which I found on a demotivational poster on deviantArt.

(And maybe it's just be, but aren't Soviet Russia references a lot more hilarious, creepy, and entertaining if you know Hetalia? And good grief, don't even get me started on World History/Geography class... we just finished studying the former USSR, and I couldn't get through the period without laughing at least once.)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 5  
**

**Title: Soviet Russia**  
**Main Characters: Lithuania, Poland**  
**Publish Date: March 24, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

Lithuania_,  
In America, you can always find a party.  
__In Soviet Russia, party always finds you.  
_Poland

* * *

**POLAND! WHAT WAS THAT? RUSSIA'S GOING TO KILL ME IF HE SEES THAT EMAIL!**  
**Lithuania**

* * *

Oh, come on! He totally won't find out unless you, like, are retarded enough to show him and stuff! Besides, some of these jokes are, like, actually kinda funny._  
In America, you watch television.  
In Soviet Russia, television watch you.  
_Poland

* * *

**...You're not going to stop, are you?**  
**Lithuania**

* * *

Hell no! Soviet Russia jokes are totally hot now, ya know? _  
In America, you drive car.  
In Soviet Russia, car drive you.  
_Poland

* * *

**Fine, I'll play along. But if he finds these he's going to mutilate the both of us, and you are SO taking the blame._  
In America, you listen to radio.  
In Soviet Russia, radio listen to you.  
_Lithuania**

* * *

OMG! This one's, like, totally true!_  
In America, your job determines your marks.  
In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your job.  
_Poland

* * *

**Hah!**  
_**In America, you assassinate president.**_  
_**In Soviet Russia, president assassinate you.**_  
**Lithuania**

* * *

Can't you totally picture Russia doing this one when he's, like, pissed the hell off?_  
In America, you throw party.  
In Soviet Russia, party throw you.  
_Poland

* * *

**I don't HAVE to imagine it - I've SEEN it._  
_This one is pretty good:_  
In Soviet Russia, Waldo finds you!  
_Lithuania**

* * *

_Roses are red  
Violets are blue  
In Soviet Russia  
Poem writes YOU!  
_Wanna, like, come over to my place this weekend?  
Poland

* * *

**So that was what you wanted this whole time? Sorry, but no - Russia would NOT have a pleasant reaction to that.**  
**_In Soviet Russia, Busby's chair is killed by YOU!_**  
**Lithuania**

* * *

Damn, that, like, really sucks.  
And OMG - that joke ACTUALLY MADE SENSE.  
Poland

* * *

Estonia,  
You totally rock with computers and shit, right? Like, do me a favor and scare Lithuania into coming over here, would you?  
Poland

* * *

_Lithuania,  
Kolkolkol._

* * *

**Poland,**  
**RUSSIA FOUND OUT!**  
**Lithuania**

**-forwarded message attached-**

* * *

Estonia,  
HAHAHA! You totally got him! OMG, hacking Russia's account to freak him out... Now he's running here at, like, a bajillion miles a minute!  
I totally owe you now. Thanks, dude!  
Poland

* * *

_Poland,  
Oh dear god - that wasn't me.  
RUN.  
Estonia_


	6. Sunk

**AN:** Tonight I was at Fazoli's (ITALIAN FOOD! :DDD) and on the menu was something called Rigatoni Romano. And I ordered it for EXACTLY the reason you all think I ordered it. :P The best part was that there was some sausage in it, and I immediately thought, "Sausage = Wurst = Germany." Lovi-kun probably would have had a fit over it, lol. XD

(I love Romano. Like, seriously, his hilarity kills me to death. And his brother is so hopelessly CUTE~! :D)

...And the lesson to be learned from this particular installment of _Foreign Correspondence_? Do NOT play war games that could, in any way/shape/form, remind any of the nations of a past battle. Why? You might end up with soneone's pissed-off lackey (*snort*) on your ass. And no, I do not mean "on your ass" in a kinky way... Although that might be kind of nice, too. ^^

Spanish lesson! _Jódete = Go fuck yourself._ Literally. (And I'm actually in Spanish, so I KNOW that was translated right.)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 6  
**

**Title: Sunk**  
**Main Characters: England, Italy, Romano, America**  
**Publish Date: March 27, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_America,_  
_Is it just me, or does Spain look sad~? I don't know why, though~! We should think of something to make him feel better~!_  
_Italy_

_P.S. PLEASE DON'T TELL GERMANY THAT I'M NOT LISTENING TO HIS SPEECH~! HE MIGHT GET VERY MAD, AND I DON'T LIKE IT WHEN HE GETS MAD AT ME~!_

* * *

**Italy,**  
**Wow, I agree... Spain looks half-pissed, half-ready to cry. I just sent him an email, and he sent me back a message saying "jódete". I get the feeling that he's in a bad mood. (Do you know what that translates to?)**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_Oh no~! Spain must be REALLY upset to use that kind of language~! I wonder what could have made him so unhappy~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Italy,**  
**I think that I saw England and Spain playing a game during the break. Maybe he lost?**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_Ve, thank you~! I'll have Romano ask him~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**ENGLAND,  
YOU COCK-SUCKING WHORE! WHAT DID YOU DO TO SPAIN?**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Romano,  
I ANNIHILATED HIS FLEET! HAHAHA!  
England

* * *

**FRATELLO,**  
**IT'S ENGLAND'S FAULT. THAT FUCKER NEEDS TO GO ROT IN HELL.**  
**ROMANO**

**-forwarded message attached-**

* * *

_England,_  
_What's going on with Spain~? What fleet~? I don't understand~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

Italy,  
HIS BATTLESHIPS! I SANK THEM ALL!  
England

* * *

_England,  
His... battleships~? Huh~? Please explain what that means~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

Italy,  
I GOT HIM TO PLAY A GAME OF BATTLESHIP! AND HE LOST!  
England

* * *

_America, Fratello,_  
_I figured it out~! Spain just lost a silly game is all~!_  
_Italy_

_-forwarded message attached-_

* * *

**Italy, **  
**Ouch. That's gotta be a really tough subject for Spain - are you sure you should be taking this lightly? **  
**America **

* * *

**FRATELLO, IT'S NOT JUST A FUCKING GAME! SPAIN'S BEEN SORE ABOUT THAT GODDAMNED INVASION OF ENGLAND FOR ALMOST 500 SHITTY YEARS! YOU'RE EITHER HEARTLESS OR FUCKING STUPID TO BE CALLING IT A SILLY GAME!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Fratello,  
VE I'M SO SORRY I DIDN'T KNOW SPAIN WOULD GET UPSET OVER SOMETHING LIKE THIS I MEAN MOST OF THE TIME HE'S SO CHEERY AND HAPPY AND I DIDN'T THINK HE WOULD BECOME DEPRESSED PLEASE DON'T TELL HIM I SAID THAT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT I SWEAR AAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!  
Italy

* * *

**ENGLAND,  
YOU CHEATING BITCH! YOU KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN!  
****I'M OFFICIALLY PISSED.  
YOU'RE GOING DOWN.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Romano,  
Oh boohoo, I just kicked Spain's ass in Battleship! If he can't handle it than it's his own damn fault.  
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The prissy Italian is MAD! OH NO, I'M SO SCARED, I BETTER RUN AWAY! HAH! You stupid Italian blokes both suck at war - I don't think you could attack me in a billion years, even if you TRIED. You'd fail just as badly as that idiotic Spaniard did, if not WORSE.  
England

* * *

**I DARE YOU TO SAY THAT OUT LOUD AND SEE WHAT THE FUCK I DO.**  
**ROMANO **

* * *

**Romano,**  
**Dude, WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH GOOD AIM? Like, did you KNOW that England would stand up and try to diss Spain or something? Because SERIOUSLY, you totally just PWNED his ASS! That tomato you threw hit him SMACK in the face! (You probably noticed that Spain looks a lot happier now, too, haha!)**  
**But seriously, that was a really sweet shot! DO IT AGAIN! THROW ANOTHER ONE!**  
**America**


	7. The Awesome First Time

**AN:** I don't think I've mentioned it before, but I really do appreciate all the feedback you guys send in. :D And le gaspuh! If you send reviews from now on, I'm actually going to make an attempt to reply to them all. Which should be interesting, because I tend to procrastinate when it comes to that kind of thing. ^^

And this chapter was totally based off a real experience and real innuendos that came from said experience. I also used Italy in here Just Because I Could, and the Ferrari was thrown in because they're the hottest cars on the planet. I WILL OWN ONE SOMEDAY JUST YOU ALL WAIT.

(And yeah, Eggy: I love youuuuu~! :D)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 7  
**

**Title: The Awesome First Time**  
**Main Characters: Prussia, Austria, maybe Italy**  
**Publish Date: March 29, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Austria,**  
**GUESS WHAT I DID THIS WEEKEND!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,  
I already heard from Italy. Congratulations on your successful endeavor.  
Austria_

* * *

**Austria,**  
**What, you don't want to hear the juicy details?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,  
No, not really.  
Austria_

* * *

**Well, that sucks, because I'm going to tell you anyway! It was SO. FREAKING. AWESOME.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,  
...I don't believe that calling it "awesome" would really be considered a detail. Especially not coming from you.  
Austria_

* * *

**Oh, so you ARE interested! Well, here's a detail: I did it with ITALY, and lemme tell you, that cutie is a kick-ass teacher! He made the first time so freaking awesome!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_So this really WAS your first, er, experience with this sort of thing... I thought that Italy was being naïve again when he said that over the phone.  
Austria_

* * *

**Haha, you're fucking hilarious! Trust me, I would have done it a LONG time ago, but for some reason, everyone who I asked to show me thought that I would end up hurting them in the process... which totally would never have happened, because I'm too awesome to accidentally do that! AND ITALY IS NOW THE LIVING PROOF OF THIS! He's not even bruised from it or anything!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_...You have GOT to be pulling my leg. You were actually GENTLE for once in your life? I don't believe it for a second!  
Austria_

* * *

**Hey, give the Awesome Me some credit! It wasn't THAT hard! I mean, coordinating it was a little tricky, so things were kind of rough at first, but I got the groove of it pretty fast! Plus Italy was being totally awesome and encouraging even when I kind of screwed up a little!**  
**And OH MY AWESOME GOD, did I tell you about the car we did it in? It was this fucking awesome red-hot Ferrari! MY FIRST TIME WAS IN A MOTHER FUCKING FERRARI!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Good grief, you are such an egotist.  
Remind me: why am I still replying to your emails?  
Austria_

* * *

**Because I'm fucking awesome, that's why.  
I bet you totally sucked the first time you tried it, but I. KICKED. ASS.  
So there!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Oh, so you want to argue? Fine: mine was in your younger brother's car.  
He said I was a natural, and overall the experience was very smooth.  
Austria_

* * *

**MEIN BRUDER? NO FUCKING WAY. West is too awesome to waste his time on a prissy aristocratic ass like you! (Okay, so he's not as awesome as me, BUT STILL.)**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_But it's true. You may ask him if you would like.  
Austria_

* * *

**I still don't believe it!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_But it's true!  
Austria_

* * *

**NO. WAY. IN. UNAWESOME. HELL.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Oh, stop being a jerk. Just ask him about it already!  
Austria_

* * *

_PRUSSIA YOU ABSOLUTELY WORTHLESS LOUSE! I AM GOING TO GET YOU FOR STEALING MY PIANO STRINGS AGAIN IF IT'S THE LAST DAMN THING I EVER DO!  
Austria_

* * *

**Oh really.**  
**Prove it.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,  
I just forwarded our entire conversation to Hungary. If you read through it, you will certainly understand why.  
Whatever happens next, you have nothing to blame but your own stupidity.  
Austria_

* * *

**YOU FUCKING RETARD.**  
**HOW COULD YOU?**  
**NOW SHE'S GOING TO GO CRAZY AND STALK ME FOR THE UMPTEENTH TIME SO SHE CAN TRY TO GET PICTURES OF ME MAKING OUT WITH ITALY OR GOD FORBID MAYBE EVEN SOME OTHER RANDOM PERSON. FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FU**  
**Wait.**  
**...You forwarded the WHOLE thing to her?**  
**Including the part about you and West?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_OH, SHIT.  
Austria_

* * *

Dear Italy,  
What on EARTH happened to the Ferrari? Why is it in the repair shop?  
Germany

* * *

_Germany,  
Ve, there's nothing to worry about~! Prussia wanted to learn how to drive a vehicle with a manual stick-shift, so I taught him how this past weekend~! He just bumped the curb a few times, and I wanted to make sure he didn't do any major damage to it is all~!  
Why~? What did you think happened~?  
Italy_


	8. Rivalry

**AN: **No, this update isn't an April Fools Joke despite being posted on April 1. Promise. :P

I get the feeling that this chapter might spark some intense fangirl arguments. Just out of curiosity (because I have no idea where any of you guys stand on this "issue"), I put up a poll on my profile about it. And heck, I don't know - it's entirely possible that this concept might be revisited later on, depending on how the results turn out... I'm not sure right now. XD

*PotC Online totally does NOT belong to me. You're technically supposed to put a disclaimer in your fanfics for all that trademarked crap, you know, just in case someone isn't sure about it. -.-

Also, I didn't explicitly state what happened at the end of this. I thought it was pretty obvious, but if someone is still really confused after reading it through, just drop me a review or a PM or something and I'll explain. ^^

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 8  
**

**Title: Rivalry**  
**Main Characters: America, England, and...?**  
**Publish Date: April 1, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_America,_  
_What the bloody HELL did you just send me? What kind of email IS that?_  
_England_

* * *

**England,**  
**It's a promotion email for Pirates of the Caribbean Online. Dude, you REALLY should check it out!**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_Are you kidding? I'm not going to waste my time playing some stupid online game!_  
_England_

* * *

**England,**  
**Hey, you used to be a pirate and all - what makes you think that this game is stupid?**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_I WAS THE GENUINE ARTICLE. Some lame imitation will never be as satisfying as the real thing._  
_England_

* * *

**Oh come ON. Try it for nostalgia, at least!**  
**America**

* * *

_NO._  
_England_

* * *

**You're no fun!**  
**America**

* * *

_By your standards, you're probably right._  
_Guess what? I DON'T CARE._  
_England_

* * *

**Hey!  
I just figured it out!  
You don't want to play because you're afraid that, as a noob, you'll have your ass pwned!  
I'll help! I can show you how to play so you won't look retarded!  
Then you'll have fun, and I'll be the hero!**  
**America**

* * *

_America, for the last damn time, I AM NOT INTERESTED IN PLAYING.  
And I am certainly NOT afraid of being bad at it! Your perspective of reality is so bloody WRONG - Johnny Depp wouldn't stand a fucking CHANCE against me, and you're just an insufferable GIT to even SUGGEST that I could be a bad pirate!_  
_AND FOR GODSSAKE, LEARN HOW TO TYPE PROPERLY! THERE IS NO EXCUSE FOR USING THE VERB "OWNED" IN THAT MANNER OR MISSPELLING IT WITH A "P", AND THERE IS ALSO NO EXCUSE FOR USING A MONSTROSITY OF A NOUN LIKE "NOOB" - GET A DICTIONARY AND LEARN HOW TO SPEAK YOUR OWN LANGUAGE!_

* * *

**I DO TOO OWN A DICTIONARY! I'm not sure where it is, but I KNOW I HAVE ONE!  
And NO WAY OLD MAN! Johnny would KICK YOUR PRISSY OLD ENGLISH ASS! He's the BEST. PIRATE. EVER.**  
**END OF STORY.**

* * *

_No, I'M the BEST PIRATE EVER!_

* * *

**NOT TRUE. JOHNNY IS SO THE BEST!**

* * *

_NO, I AM!_

* * *

**NO, JOHNNY IS!**

* * *

_I AM THE BEST FUCKING PIRATE THAT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN, AMERICA, AND I DON'T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT YOUR ACCURSED HOLLYWOOD MOVIES STARRING JOHNNY DEPP!_

* * *

_Dear World,_  
_America and I are suffering from a serious crisis._  
_BOTH OUR LAPTOPS WERE STOLEN LAST NIGHT._  
_We have no idea who did it, but whoever was responsible left the same note at our houses: "Your pirates are no match for me." Neither America nor I know who the bloody hell "me" is, but the real issue is that "he" (or "she") knew that America and I had been recently arguing about pirates ONLINE, meaning that our computer security had been seriously compromised._  
_Even more concerning - at the time, we were both sleeping in our respective beds with our laptops IN OUR ROOMS WITH US. Whoever stole them must be damn sneaky to have gotten away with it when America and I were only a few measly feet away._  
_If anyone knows of ANY useful information related to this, then for the love of god, let us know!_  
_England_

* * *

England-san,  
Why you and America-san think pirates are so fascinating is beyond me.  
Japan


	9. The Awesome First Date

**AN: **That poll is still up, in case anyone else is interested. ;P And the one person (so far) who has been confused over the last chapter reviewed anonymously, so I can't really reply to it. Whoops.

As a word of caution, this chapter is CRAZY - I almost split it into two parts because it's so long. ^^ And any weird and random typos by Prussia are supposed to be there... just FYI.

(In case anyone has a good theory or some canon knowledge of this, WHY do people pair Prussia and Canada? It's not that I think they're BAD together, per se, but I have absolutely no idea how anyone came up with them as a couple. Think about it: the outspoken/sometimes obnoxious country that doesn't exist anymore and the really quiet country that nobody else remembers... Like, why? XD)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 9  
**

**Title: The Awesome First Date**  
**Main Characters: Prussia, Canada, England, America**  
**Publish Date: April 7, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_I've been thinking... Do you... maybe... wanna hang out sometime?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
Fuck yeah! That would be totally awesome! Like, when?  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_I don't care. Anytime you'd like._  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
So, will there be drinks where we go?  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Um... maybe?_  
_Why, do you have someplace in mind?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
Actually, I kind of do. Isn't there a beerfest in Milwaukee sometime next week? Can we go to that?  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_...Milwaukee isn't in Canada... But... okay. I guess we can._  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
AWESOME. We should invite England! He loves beerfests!  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Oh. Um... I was hoping it'd just be the two of us... but sure... I guess he can come too..._  
_Canada_

* * *

West,  
So England and I are kind of planning on going to this beerfest in this awesome American city called Milwaukee in a few days... So don't expect to see me around for a while.  
Also, whatever he tries to blame on me afterwards is probably his own doing through drunken stupidity and he's just trying to cover his ass.  
Prussia

* * *

**Dear England,**  
**I just got an email from mein bruder saying that the two of you are going drinking. Make sure he stays out of trouble and doesn't get ahold of anything stronger than beer.**  
**Germany**

* * *

Dear Germany,  
We'll be fine! Don't worry about it - after all, it's only a beerfest. What's the worst that could happen?  
England

* * *

HI WEST AMERICA ROCKS THIS IS THE BEST PLACE ON THE PLANET WELL EXCEPT FOR MAYBE PRUSSIA BECAUSE IM JUST THAT AWESOME BUT YEAH AND GUESS WHAT CANADA TOOK ME TO THIS AWESOME PLACE THEY HAVE HERE IN CHICAGO CALLED IHOP AND THE PANCAKES ARE ALMOST AS GOOD AS THE ONES HE MAKES THEYRE SO FUCKING DELICIOUS AND YEAH.

* * *

**Prussia,**  
**You went where? With WHO?**  
**Germany**

* * *

**Dear England,**  
**I just got an email from mein bruder (who seemed much more wasted than he should be) saying that he was with SOMEONE ELSE IN CHICAGO.**  
**I thought it was just going to be you two in Wisconsin!**  
**Germany**

* * *

Dear Germany,  
We WERE in Wisconsin. But now, er... we're not?  
Don't worry, I'll figure out where Prussia went! I'll get him back to your place in no time!  
England

* * *

**England,**  
**You'd better.**  
**Germany**

* * *

Dear America,  
HELP. I'VE LOST PRUSSIA SOMEWHERE IN YOUR COUNTRY.  
England

* * *

**England,**  
**No prob, I'll be the hero! Where was the last place you saw him?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
We were at a beerfest in Wisconsin with your younger brother (whose name I don't remember at the moment), and somehow I woke up in bloody Des Moines in IOWA and they ended up getting on a bus from Milwaukee to Chicago then on a train to bleeding Pennsylvania! I can't reach Prussia's cellphone, and I can't trace him anywhere beyond that!  
Whatsisface is probably fine, but IF WE DON'T FIND PRUSSIA SOON, GERMANY IS GOING TO KILL ME.  
England

* * *

**Point taken. I can't reach Canada's cellphone either, but lemme email him.**  
**America**

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Enlighten me: where the heck are you and Prussia right now?**  
**America**

* * *

HEY AMERICA THIS IS PRUSSIA I HACKED CANADAS LAPTOP KESESESESE AND DID YOU KNOW THAT WISCONSINS BEER IS FUCKING AWESOME!

* * *

America,  
Anything?  
England

* * *

**England,  
Sorry, all I've gotten is a questionable email from Prussia on Canada's account. He still seems pretty drunk. (Or maybe he's high on something... I'm not sure we know at this point...)**  
**But hey, at least they're still travelling together and not passed out in an alley somewhere, right?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
Fine, be an optimist. But we still HAVE TO FIND THEM.  
He might be high? You don't suppose they're in California somewhere, do you?  
England

* * *

**England,**  
**California and Pennsylvania are in two completely opposite directions from Chicago. Just saying.**  
**But I'll ask anyway.**  
**America**

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Seriously: email me. NOW.**  
**America**

* * *

HOLY AWESOME FUCKER AMERICA! NEW ORLEANS FUCKING ROCKS AWESOME AND TEXAS MIGHT JUST BE EVEN FUCKING MORE AWESOME! KESESESE!

* * *

**England,**  
**Yeah, forget what I said in that last email. I don't think Prussia has any sense of direction when he's wasted.**  
**I don have a clue where the fuck they are anymore.**  
**America**

**-forwarded message attached-**

* * *

HI ENGLAND I USED TO THINK THAT GERMANY HAD FUCKING GREAT SHOPPING CENTERS BUT MALL OF AMERICA IS IN A TOTALLY DIFFERENT FUCKING AWESOME LEAGUE EXCEPT I THINK THAT ONE SECURITY GUARD GOT PISSED WHEN I PUKED ON HIM AFTER RIDING THAT ROLLER COASTER HAHA ANYWAY CANADA AND THE AWESOME ME HAFTA RUN FROM THE COPS NOW BYEEEEEEE

* * *

America,  
I just got an email from Prussia saying that they're in Minneapolis. Or rather, they WERE in Minneapolis.  
I never did think that he was very smart with geography, personally, but this is completely ridiculous.  
Also, they're running from your police. I have no idea why.  
England

-forwarded message attached-

* * *

**England,**  
**Hot damn... they might be screwed. **  
**I'll try emailing Canada again.**  
**America**

* * *

**Canada,**  
**I know you didn't really get my last few emails, but if you get a chance to read this one before Prussia does, would you mind telling me where you guys are? England is flipping shit right now over his drinking buddy.**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_WE'RE ALIVE, BELIEVE IT OR NOT. We're in an internet café where Prussia fell asleep on a couch a few minutes ago - he's been dragging me EVERYWHERE. And I would have called or replied, but every time I let him out of my sight he gets on another train or bus or in a taxi! Plus he went a little crazy in LegoLand, and then the cops chased us from Minneapolis all the way to Seattle! It's been crazy!_  
_I really don't know where we are anymore... Crap..._  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Thank god, you actually answered! (And what the HELL did he to in LegoLand that made the cops actually chase you that far?) **  
**Okay, just describe where you are now! I know this country better than anyone else, after all!**  
**America**

* * *

_America,  
What, that story about LegoLand didn't make national news?... Let me put it this way: we're talking about Prussia. If you haven't heard about it by now, then you really don't want to know._  
_Okay... Well, we're in kind of a big city, I think, somewhere near or maybe on the Pacific. There's lots of hills and some seagulls and stuff like that._  
_Also, whenever I look out a window I see a completely insane number of Priuses and drag queens passing by. Does that help?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**I know exactly where you are. Stay put, and England and I will come pick you guys up. DO NOT LET PRUSSIA GO ANYWHERE.**  
**America**

* * *

**Dear England,**  
**I found them. They're in San Francisco.**  
**Don't ask, because I don't know. Seriously.**  
**Meet me at the airport there.**  
**America**

* * *

Canada,  
Remember how we visited all the fucking awesome places in America last week? Well, I was wondering: since West has finally stopped being pissed at me for getting drunk off my awesome ass, do you wanna go meet up somewhere and go for Round Two - in Canada? With just the two of us?  
(I heard that this awesome city named Halifax has more bars per capita than anywhere else in the world... Hint-hint!)  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Sure thing! I'll meet you there tomorrow._  
_Canada_


	10. Grope

**AN: **The poll results? Ninja!Japan and Pirate!England were close, but overall Japan won. ^^

Okay, a couple other things I want to get out of the way. First: From 12 a.m. May 1st until 11:59 p.m. on May 31, I'm being forced to COMPLETELY give up anime/manga. This includes watching, reading, listening to, talking about, wearing, and writing ANYTHING related to it... which basically means that I'll be giving up FFN for the month. -.- So don't expect this to update for a bit.

Second: For a friend's birthday present, I wrote up this completely, 100% legit-looking contract to Become One with Russia. If I posted it, would anybody read it? OTL

Third: Holy CRAP - you guys kick butt. Seriously, I appreciate all the reviews and favs more than you can imagine. :D

Fourth: This chapter is like... like... oh my God, I have no idea. -.-' I can't find ANY good canon stuff on South Korea. If I screw something up about him, let me know, please? (Also, does anyone else think that he'd go CRAZY if he met Ukraine? XD)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 10**

**Title: Grope**  
**Main Characters: (South) Korea**  
**Publish Date: April 18, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**ALL YOUR BREAST ARE BELONG TO ME, DA ZE!**  
**South Korea**

* * *

_Korea,  
So I make this perfectly obvious to someone with a thick skull like you - if you come near me or any of your siblings and try to claim their chests, I won't hesitate to hit you with a wok, aru!_  
_China_

* * *

**China,  
You'd hit your poor little brother for expressing his love? That's harsh!**  
**Korea**

* * *

_Korea,  
I think there is a translation error here - you're confusing "expressing love" with "being perverted," aru._  
_China_

* * *

Korea,  
Dude, no offense, but you're only interested in boobies? I mean, vital regions are kinda overrated, but BOOBS? That's sorta creepy.  
America

* * *

**America,**  
**You sound disappointed in sex - you must be really bad at it. Have you gotten laid lately?  
Besides, what're you gonna do about it if I DO only want your boobies? Go all American on my ass and file a restraining order?**  
**Korea**

* * *

Korea,  
Me, bad at sex? That's not what your mom said last night.  
And... a restraining order sounds like a good idea, actually. Just stay the hell away from me!  
America

* * *

**America,  
OH MY GOD, YOU'VE BEEN BANGING CHINA? YOU CAN'T! HIS BREASTS BELONG TO MEEEEEEEEE!  
AND THAT CONCEPT WAS MADE IN KOREA, DA ZE! STOP STEALING MY IDEAS!**  
**Korea**

* * *

_Korea,_  
_Fuck off._  
_England_

* * *

**England,**  
**But I want BOOOOOOOOOOBS!**  
**Korea**

* * *

HEY ASIAN BASTARD,  
TOUCH ME OR MY FRATELLO AND YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD!  
ROMANO

* * *

**Hey Italian Bastard,**  
**Oh come ON! Give me a CHANCE, dammit!**  
**Besides, you let SPAIN do whatever the hell he wants to your boobs! Let ME have a go at 'em!**  
**Korea **

* * *

Korea,  
Please, stop antagonizing mi tomatito~! As cute as he is when upset, I'm beginning to worry about his blood pressure.  
And no, you may not have either of our tetas, so stop asking, por favor.  
Spain

* * *

**Spain, **  
**Are you freaking KIDDING me? I-O NEED-O YOUR-O BOOBS-O! **  
**Korea**

* * *

_GERMANY~! WHAT'S A BREAST~? DOES KOREA MEAN CHICKEN BREAST~? BECAUSE CHICKEN ALFREDO DOESN'T TASTE GOOD WITHOUT THE CHICKEN~! WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO~?_  
_Italy_

_-forwarded message attached-_

* * *

Korea,  
I am going to kill you.  
Now Italy is on the verge of a mental breakdown because he thinks you'll take away his ingredients for pasta.  
Come anywhere near Europe and your ass will be pounded into the next millennium.  
Germany

* * *

**Germany, **  
**You can't speak for the rest of the world! I want to hear from THEM if they don't want me groping their wonderful boobage! **  
**Korea**

* * *

Korea,  
I'm with mein bruder on this one. Italy is seriously fucked up now (even more than he was before, and that's saying something).  
I will seriously kick the ever-loving shit out of you if you try doing anything suspicious.  
Prussia

* * *

_Dear Korea, _  
_Hungary says that if you try to claim either of our breasts, she will introduce you to the upside of her frying pan. _  
_Austria_

* * *

KOREA,  
UNFORGIVABLE! IRREDEEMABLE! I WILL KILL YOU FOR SAYING SUCH VILE THINGS TO MY BELOVED BROTHER! WE WILL BECOME ONE AND THEN YOU WILL HAVE TO ANSWER TO ME FOR YOUR INEXCUSABLE BLASPHEMY!  
BELARUS

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**DOES NO ONE LOVE ME? THE AMERICAS, EUROPE, AND ASIA HAVE ALL TURNED ME DOWN!**  
**Korea**

* * *

_Korea,_  
_I would have said no also, but technically you only asked one North American country about it..._  
_Canada_

* * *

**Dear Canada,**  
**BUT YOU STILL SAID NO.**  
**Korea**

* * *

Dear Korea,  
I LOVE YOU, MON CHER! I love all who are willing! If you want, we may rendezvous after the next world meeting and you may claim me any way you like! Ohonhonhonhonhon!  
France

* * *

**France,  
YESSSSSSSSSSSS!  
BREASTS!  
DA ZEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!**  
**Korea**

* * *

_Dear Russia,_  
_I think you need to hide Ukraine. Korea would go batshit if he saw her, aru._  
_China_

* * *

Korea,  
You might want to begin to pray now, da?  
Kolkolkol.


	11. What We Love About America

**AN: **For those of you that haven't heard or checked it out yet, I posted that contract. ^^ I can't remember what it's titled exactly, because it was supposed to be, "A Lawful and International Legal Agreement to Become One with Russia," but that was too long, so I had to shorten it to something else (stupid character limit). The best part - I was worried about the people who wanted to print it off, but after messing around with the format, I made it 100% copy-and-pastable for printing! NOW WE CAN ALL BECOME ONE WITH RUSSIA! :D

This chapter is... different, certainly. It's based off of an article I remember seeing in USA Today a while (read: years) ago about some Brits freaking out that "Yank" tourism was down in Europe and that it caused them to lose quite a bit in revenue... for whatever reason, I remembered that bit in the paper and it sparked this.

(And it's a complete coincidence that Russia asks Canada to "print off the form and sign it," I swear to God. I came up with that bit WAY before I even thought about writing that contract. XD)

Reviews are much appreciated, as always~!

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 11**

**Title: What We Love About America**  
**Main Characters: Canada (IRONY!)**  
**Publish Date: April 21, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_Dear England,  
I was recently thinking... I can't figure out why America is so popular. I mean, I KNOW that occasionally he ignores me and stuff, but overall he's very nice to me and... attention-grabbing.  
Why do you like him? What makes him so unforgettable, exactly?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Dear Mysterious Person Named Canada,  
I don't like him. He's an obnoxious dolt that constantly gives me headaches (which is probably why I don't forget him).  
England

* * *

_Dear England, _  
_There isn't one likable thing about him? Not about the person OR the country?_  
_Shame. I suppose I should tell him that you don't think much of him anymore. I wonder how he'd react to that?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Dear Whatsyourface,  
(DAMMIT. If I could remember what you look like, then I'd be able to curse you for that blackmail instead of falling for it like an idiot!)  
...I suppose his tourists are good for the economy here... So there: that's a reason to like him, isn't it?  
Let's forget I called him an obnoxious dolt then... PLEASE?  
England

* * *

_Dear England,_  
_Oh... Well, I was hoping for a better answer, but thanks anyway... I guess..._  
_Canada_

* * *

_Dear France,  
Why do you like America?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Are you kidding me, mon cher? There is NOTHING to like about him.**  
**France**

* * *

_Dear France,  
Come on! It's a perfectly reasonable question! There must be SOMETHING likable about him! Or at least his people or country or... you know, SOMETHING._  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Well then... I suppose that his tourists bring in a lot of revenue, even if they are rather rude.**  
**France**

* * *

_Dear France, _  
_Funny... that's exactly what England said. Huh. But thanks!_  
_Canada_

* * *

_Dear Japan,_  
_Why are you friends with America?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada-san (?),  
Greetings. If you must know, I tolerate him because his people buy many of my goods, both for their own profit and also when they come to visit.  
Japan

* * *

_Dear Japan,  
...Seriously? You think that too?  
Canada_

* * *

_Dear Russia,_  
_Why do you tolerate America?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Because of his many tourists.**  
**I do not believe I know you, so print off the form and sign it for me, da?**  
**Russia**

**-file attached-**

* * *

_Dear Russia,  
Is that the ONLY answer I'm going to get from ANYONE? And I thought I already told you that I didn't want to Become One with you!  
Canada_

* * *

_Dear China,_  
_Why do you force yourself to get along with America?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
Because otherwise I will lose money from business, aru.  
(Do I know you...?)  
China

* * *

_Dear China,_  
_Oh my gosh, WHAT IS GOING ON I DON'T EVEN. _  
_Canada _

* * *

_Dear Germany,_  
_Do you only talk to America because of business?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Dear Whoever You Are,**  
**Yes.**  
**Germany**

* * *

_Dear Germany,_  
_WHAT. ON. EARTH. _  
_YOU ALL USE HIM JUST FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES? _  
_That's just... like... wow. _  
_Canada _

* * *

_Dear Prussia,_  
_You don't mind America, do you? Why do you bother with him? And if you say ANYTHING about liking him for tourism or business, then I'll know you're lying because you don't currently have to deal with either of those things!_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Trust me, I like him. Why, you ask?**  
**Two words.**  
**Milwaukee's. **  
**Oktoberfest.**  
**FUCK. YEAH. AMERICA.**  
**Prussia**


	12. Fortune

**AN: **OMIGOD GUYS I'M NOT BEING FORCED TO AVOID ANIME ANYMORE! :D ...Actually, I knew that the deal was canceled before May even began, but I suddenly became extremely busy and kept putting this fic off. And I'll probably be too busy to update a whole lot in May anyway, because, well... remember that musical that I was complaining about some number of chapters back? Turns out we've been invited to perform it in this HUGE auditorium at a local state university towards the end of the month. So again, I have no time for life.

And I've given up replying to reviews; I just kept putting it off WAY too much. Hopefully this doesn't disappoint anyone. But as a side note, that doesn't mean that I'm ignoring feedback or ideas or whatever - as I speak (type, whatever), I'm trying to figure out how to write as the Nordics because _atramentaceous_ requested a chapter with them (which should be interesting, because I seriously know almost NOTHING about any of them -.-).

Also, go to YouTube and look up "APH History is Now." Like... WOW. BEST. THING. _EVER_. And if you want something funny, search "Jack Sparrow" by The Lonely Island featuring Michael Bolton. Just trust me.

Something related to this chapter: has anybody else ever played this thing called "the fortune cookie game" before? The one that America describes in this chapter? I first played it this November, and I just about died when my fortune said, "You are great at concentrating and are inclined to think deeply." Which is the most awesome thing it could have said, probably. ^^

ALSO: HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

...Okay, I think I'm finally done ranting. Reviews equal pasta! Which is totally a good thing! XD

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 12  
**

**Title: Fortune**  
**Main Characters: America, China**  
**Publish Date: May 8, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**China,**  
**Dude, where on earth did you come up with the idea for fortune cookies? These things totally rock!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I DIDN'T think of the fortune cookie, aru! Some man who emigrated from my place came up with it at YOUR place!  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Whoa, seriously? That's really sweet! Hey, does that mean that you don't like fortune cookies, or do you just think they're funny?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I believe... how do you say it? I believe that, if you are thinking a cookie will tell your fortune, that means you are retarded, aru.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Haha, I'm not THAT dumb! I play a game with the fortunes I get!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
A game? What is this game, aru?  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**You take your totally sucky fortune and just imagine that it says "in bed" at the end! Try it!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
That sound very immature, aru.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Dude, humor me. Try it once, pleeeeeeease?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I found a cookie that said, "You will soon visit a foreign country."  
I don't like your game, aru.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Well, that's just a bad cookie! Dude, Canada got a fortune the other day that said, "A routine will turn into an enchanting escapade," and I totally almost died laughing!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
Who got the fortune, aru?  
I tried another. It said, "You will soon have the opportunity to advance your skills."  
I am now a bit worried, aru.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Oh my god, YOU'RE TOTALLY GONNA GET LAID!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I do not know that this would be a good thing, aru.  
And I thought your game was not serious!  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**It's not SUPPOSED to be serious, but how the hell could you pass this chance up? If the damn cookie is implying you're gonna get some, then why not try for it?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I do not think "trying for it" is good idea.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Dude, WHY NOT? I mean, you're a 4,000 year-old Asian guy, so sex for you might not be so easy to get and you might even suck at it... But that's why you should totally hope for it!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
I had a talk with my boss. He thinks I should stop emailing you, aru.  
China

* * *

**China,**  
**Haha, nice try. I bet you email me back anyway.**  
**America**

* * *

**...Okay, China, you can respond now.**  
**America**

* * *

**China? Are you alive?**  
**America**

* * *

**South Korea,**  
**Dude, have you ever played that one game with the fortune cookies where you tack "in bed" on the end of every fortune you get?**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_Of course I have! I invented that game, smart ass._  
_Why, did the cookie say that I was gonna claim some major boobage soon?_  
_Korea_

* * *

**Korea,**  
**Close... China got a questionable fortune on "improving his skills" and insists it won't come true. The old dude got pissy enough that he's been ignoring me and everything.**  
**I'll give you twenty bucks and some genuine Canadian maple syrup if you jump him at the next world meeting. (Or, on second thought, maybe AFTER the meeting. I don't think we want to see that.)**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_HELL YES I'LL DO IT! DA ZE!_  
_Korea_


	13. Love, Hate, and Green With Envy

**AN: **I've been so busy lately it isn't even funny. Currently, however, I have some free time because I got my wisdom teeth out this morning, and my mom is insisting that I'm not allowed to do anything other than sit on my bum for the rest of the day. (Sweet; my mouth doesn't even hurt that much. ^^) So, I can catch up on some much-needed updates that probably won't come so frequently now that it's summer - I'm going to Mexico in a couple weeks, so FFN will basically be abandoned on my part during that time. Whoops.

Does anyone here like angsty Italy? If you do (or even if you don't), go check out a story I recently posted, "_Flag on the Marble Arch_." Pretty please? It must be decent, because I think my wife said she started crying when she read it.

And... this isn't that Nordic chapter I'm working on. -.- It's coming, don't worry; it's just that I want to make sure it's good, and I don't think it's at that point yet. But until then, here's to the favorite Western European rivalry between France and England (again XD).

(BTW: the article that France mentions? Totally in _Men's Health Magazine_, or at least the online version. Titled, "International Sex Survey 2007 How to Seduce Any Woman." Yeah. XD)

REVIEW PLEASE~

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 13  
**

**Title: Love, Hate, and Green with Envy**  
**Main Characters: England, France**  
**Publish Date: June 2, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_Angleterre,_  
_I have a very important question to ask you._  
_France_

* * *

**France,**  
**Of course you do. Ask away, although I might not answer. **  
**And it had better NOT be anything in reference to your hair, because if I have to hear another bloody bitching session about your conditioner then god help me I WILL do something awful to it.**  
**England**

* * *

_Angleterre,_  
_You're just jealous._  
_But moving on. I should like to know: is it true that English people enjoy making love in public?_  
_France_

* * *

**WHAT?**  
**WHERE ON EARTH DID YOU HEAR THAT?**  
**England**

* * *

_I read it in a magazine, mon chérie._  
_So is it true?_  
_France_

* * *

**NO IT'S NOT.**  
**AND WHAT THE HELL KIND OF BLOODY MAGAZINE WAS THIS?**  
**England**

* * *

_One that I found at the home of our dear Amérique. It said that the English make love on public transportation and in outdoor areas twice as often as they do._  
_And please, mon chérie, don't shoot the messenger. I promise that I am being truthful._  
_France_

* * *

**HAH. That is so NOT true. Americans are the ones that want to have sex in weird places, not Brits.**  
**England**

* * *

_That sounds to me like you know from experience._  
_France_

* * *

**I DO NOT!**  
**I JUST THINK THAT AMERICANS ARE HORRIBLE LECHS!**  
**England**

* * *

_Onhonhon, but of course you would know THAT!_  
_France_

* * *

**I HATE YOU.**  
**GO TO HELL.**  
**England**

* * *

_Onhonhon. _  
_France_

* * *

_AH! ANGLETERRE, WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HAIR? IT LOOKS HIDEOUS!  
__France_

* * *

**Oh, that? I performed a spell and turned it green.**  
**England**

* * *

_MON DIEU, OF ALL THE THINGS YOU COULD HAVE DONE? CHANGE IT BACK THIS INSTANT!_  
_France_

* * *

**Oh, you don't like it? Frogs are supposed to be green, you know - I figured I was doing you a favor.**  
**And no. Not until you apologize profusely for your twisted accusations.**  
**England**

* * *

_...Fine. I'm sorry.  
France_

* * *

**AGAIN, you bleeding frog. IN ALL CAPS, TOO.**  
**England**

* * *

_I AM SORRY. I DID NOT MEAN ANY OF WHAT I SAID EARLIER.  
__Are you HAPPY, Angleterre?  
__France_

* * *

**Very much so.**  
**England**

* * *

_So... you ARE going to fix my hair, correct?_  
_France_

* * *

_Angleterre? Mon chérie? Are you there?_  
_France_

* * *

_ENGLAND!  
FIX IT ALREADY!_  
_France_

* * *

England,  
Hey, so it's been a while - do you wanna meet me for lunch somewhere on next Tuesday? (I won't even beg for you to take me to McDonalds or anything!)  
America

* * *

**America,**  
**That sounds like a splendid offer.**  
**Meet me at that café where we, ah, had some fun in the garden in the back a few years ago.**  
**England**

* * *

England,  
SWEET. I already can't wait!  
America


	14. Wh't?

**AN: **THIS.

First I went to Wisconsin, then Mexico, then Pennsylvania, and pretty soon we're going to Wisconsin again. Wow, I'm all over the place this summer. And today's my birthday. PARTY! *omnomnoms on cake*

ANYWAY. THE NORDIC CHAPTER FINALLY HAPPENED. (And hopefully it doesn't suck?)

TvTropes became my new favorite reference website for this one, because it outright told me everything about the characters that I could possibly want to know in both canon and fandom. YAYS. It also told me that I've been spelling "canon" wrong for YEARS. POOPY. D:

I can imagine Sweden Googling all these weird nicknames for Finland, lol. Also, he _probably_ wouldn't write emails that include his accent, but who cares?

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 14  
**

**Title: Wh't? **  
**Main Characters: Sweden, Finland, Denmark, Norway, Iceland**  
**Publish Date: July 28, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

_Dear Su-san,_  
_What do you want for Christmas?_  
_Finland_

* * *

Dear W'fe,  
'S July.

* * *

_Su-san,_  
_I am NOT your wife. Just... no._  
_Please answer my question?_  
_Finland_

* * *

W'fe,  
I consid'r y' m' w'fe... Would y' like me t' use a diff'rent endearm'nt?  
Why're y' asking 'n July?

* * *

_Su-san,_  
_Please. Another term for our, um, complicated relationship would be wonderful... Just not "wife," okay?_  
_I'm asking because it's never too early to prepare for Christmas, of course. I can't get it all ready overnight - these things take time!_  
_Finland_

* * *

Hon'ybuns,  
Ok'y th'n. Do y' c'nt as a pr'sent?

* * *

_Su-san,_  
_"Honeybuns"? Are you being SERIOUS?... Pick something else. Please. _  
_And NO, I don't count as a present! What kind of question IS that?_  
_Finland_

* * *

Sweetc'kes,  
A s'rious one. Do y'?

* * *

_Su-san,_  
_Oh, god, NO to that name. ANYTHING but that!  
__And the answer is still no. Do you know what Denmark, Norway, and Iceland want?_  
_Finland_

* * *

S'xy,  
No. Do y' want me t' ask?  
I still want y' f'r Christm's.

* * *

_Su-san,  
__...Alright, you can call me your wife if you stop with the weird nicknames. Please?_  
_Could you ask them, please? Subtly, of course - if they know it's from me they'll ask for ridiculous things._  
_And... I guess I'll see what I can do about your present..._  
_Finland_

* * *

W'fe,  
Thanks.

* * *

Denm'rk,  
What do y' and Norway want f'r Christm's?

* * *

**Sweden,**  
**Gee, I wonder who put you up to asking THAT question. (Not.)**  
**Denmark**

* * *

Denm'rk,  
Did y' just insult m' w'fe?

* * *

**Sweden,**  
**Wouldn't DREAM of it, big guy.  
Denmark **

* * *

**Dear Mrs. Sweden,**  
**I want a new grinder for my ax and Japanese hair gel - there was this guy I saw in an anime the other day, and I swear to god he had the sweetest hair I've ever seen!**  
**I took the liberty of asking Norge, too. He says he wants some Dane-repellent, but he was joking. Does that even exist?**  
**Denmark**

* * *

_Denmark,_  
_I AM NOT HIS WIFE.  
And WHY does everyone want impossible Christmas presents this year? It's his hair in a CARTOON and not in REAL LIFE for a reason.  
I bet if you look hard enough, they probably have some at American WalMart stores. They have EVERYTHING there...  
__Finland_

* * *

**Finland, **  
**What, you're telling me that hair only does that when it's animated? LAME.  
Wait - you aren't actually getting him some, are you? **  
**Denmark **

* * *

Finland,  
Can you kidnap Denmark for my Christmas present? He keeps barging into my house at 3 a.m., drunk as hell and swinging his ax all over the place. It's quite annoying.  
Norway

* * *

_Norway,_  
_Sorry, but I don't think so..._  
_What happened to the days when you guys just wanted my cooking for gifts?_  
_Finland_

* * *

Finland,  
We developed taste buds, that's what happened.  
Norway

* * *

_Norway,_  
_Huh? What's wrong with salty licorice?_  
_Finland_

* * *

Finland,  
...Never mind.  
Hey, I have a better idea. Gift me with a security system of sorts.  
Norway

* * *

_Norway,_  
_Well, you can't get it until Christmas (hence it being, you know, CHRISTMAS), but until then, this might help you._  
_Send me pictures._  
_Finland_

_-link attached-_

* * *

Finland,  
Thanks.  
Norway.

* * *

**Finland, **  
**Okay, seriously, your silence is weirding me out. You aren't really getting Norge a can Dane-B-Gone or whatever for Christmas.**  
**...Right?**  
**Denmark**

* * *

Icel'nd,  
What do y' want f'r Christm's?

* * *

_Sweden, _  
_Something for Mr. Puffin, I guess. I bet you noticed this already, but it's July._  
_Iceland_

* * *

Icel'nd,  
Ok'y th'n, I'll tell m' w'fe. He just wants t' prep're 's all.

* * *

_Sweden, _  
_...Cool. Are we actually spending Christmas together this year, us Nordics? _  
_Iceland_

* * *

Icel'nd,  
So long 's we don't kill each oth'r b'fore th'n, I th'nk.

* * *

_Sweden,_  
_Touché._  
_Iceland_

* * *

**Finland, **  
**Dammit, answer me! You can't really be getting Norge that stuff for Christmas!**  
**Denmark **

* * *

**Norge, **  
**Okay, so last night is a little bit fuzzy from all the vodka, but what in hell - I just woke up in a hole with a smashed cupcake next to me. I'm not sure where I am, but I think I'm somewhere near your house, so if you can trace this email from my phone then COME RESCUE ME. **  
**Denmark **

* * *

Finland,  
That link you sent me last week is my new favorite website. Denmark fell for the cupcake bait and is now stuck in a 20-foot hole in my yard... This smells like blackmail to me.  
Thanks for making Christmas come early.  
Norway


	15. Of Popes and Potatoheads

**AN: **So I've probably gravely offended someone out there with this chapter, whether they be Catholic or German or Italian or... whatever. Oops?

I spent literally two hours over at Barnes & Noble the other night, copying down French and Italian idioms and insulting phrases. So now we get...

**ROMANO'S ITALIAN LESSONS! :DDD**

_Vaffanculo!_ = _Fuck off!_ (moderately offensive)  
_Ma che cazzo fai, coglione?_ = _What the fuck, you dick?_ (or more literally) _What the fuck, testicle?_ (EXTREMELY offensive)  
_Figlio di puttana!_ = _Son of a bitch!_ (moderately offensive)  
_Stronzo!_ = _Asshole!_ (moderately offensive)  
_Pezzo di merda!_ = _Piece of shit!_ (moderately offensive)  
_Patate-bastardo_ = _Potato-bastard_ (this was the only one I guessed/Googled)

...Yeah, someone's definitely gonna be offended by this... XD

The idea behind this chapter came courtesy of the lovely Eggy, because she made a (potentially unfortunate) discovery about the Pope. ILY!

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 15  
**

**Title: Of Popes and Potatoheads **  
**Main Characters: Romano, Germany, Italy, maybe Spain**  
**Publish Date: August 4, 2011**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**POTATO BASTARD,**  
**FUCK YOU.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Dear Romano,  
Would you mind explaining to me what that email is about?  
Does this have something to do with your brother?  
Germany

* * *

**POTATO BASTARD,**  
**DAMN STRAIGHT IT DOES. STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM AND STOP TRYING TO CORRUPT HIS NONEXISTENT BRAIN!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Dear Romano,  
Seriously?  
Germany

* * *

**POTATO BASTARD,**  
**OF COURSE I'M FUCKING SERIOUS! HE KEEPS EATING SHITTY WURST AND COMPLAINS WHENEVER I LEAVE IT OUT OF THE SPAGHETTI! ALSO, HE REFUSES TO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOU.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Romano,  
Um... okay? What exactly do you expect me to do about this?  
Germany

* * *

**POTATO BASTARD,**  
**I WANT YOU TO STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIM, YOU NAZI ASSHOLE!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Romano,  
First, I'm not a Nazi. That was an unfortunate phase my countrymen went through more than half a century ago. Everyone else is quite mature about it now, except for you.  
Second, you are extremely hopeless if you haven't noticed by now that I physically CAN'T stay away from your brother - he's always showing up on my doorstep whining about YOUR complaints about ME, actually. And if I'm not home, he will sit and wait for me for HOURS.  
In short, there's no avoiding him, and in no way, shape, or form is it my fault.  
Germany

* * *

**POTATO BASTARD,**  
**I DON'T FUCKING CARE! YOU'RE SUCH A FUCKING NAZI KRAUT!**  
**VAFFANCULO! I WISH YOU WERE CATHOLIC!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

...You wish I was Catholic?  
Is that an insult?  
Germany

* * *

**MA CHE CAZZO FAI, COLIGONE? OF COURSE BEING CATHOLIC ISN'T A FUCKING INSULT! I WISH YOU WERE CATHOLIC SO I COULD GET YOU AND ALL YOUR FUCKING NAZI FRIENDS EXCOMMUNICATED BY THE POPE! AND THERE'S NO WAY THAT PLAN WOULD BACKFIRE LIKE MY MUSTACHE DID!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

_Fratello,_  
_Ve, um, Romano~? I saw Germany's email inbox the other day - I'm so happy you're talking to him~! - and I sort of saw one of your messages to him and I kind of got confused... you DO realize that the Pope is German, right~?_  
_Italy_

* * *

**WHAT.**

* * *

_No, I'm being serious~! He's German~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**POTATO FUCKING BASTARD,**  
**FIGLIO DI PUTTANA**  
**SHIT**  
**STRONZO**  
**PEZZO DI MERDA**  
**FUCKING**  
**AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!**

* * *

What?  
Germany

* * *

**Fratello,**  
**I give up. I really fucking do.**  
**Romano**

* * *

_Fratello,_  
_ARE YOU OKAY~? That's the first email you've EVER sent me without using the caps-lock button~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

Italy,  
I think mi tomatito is sick! I was out in my tomato field, see, and when I came back I found Roma sitting on my front step! He'd been waiting for me to show up for two hours and he was really upset and crying and saying things about you and something called a "patate-bastardo" and now I'm really worried about him! I don't know what to do to fix it!  
Spain

* * *

_Spain,_  
_Oh no~! I'll bring some pasta to your place for him~! That should cheer him up~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

_Germany~! I want to make the best pasta ever to help Romano feel better~! Can I borrow some of your wurst~?_  
_Italy_


	16. Telephone

**AN: **Can call if you want, but there's no one home, and you're NOT GONNA REACH MY TELEPHONE.

(What is this chapter I don't even.)

ATTEMPTING A NEW IMPLIED PAIRING-ISH-THING. One of my friends is actually REALLY against America/England, so this is my way of basically saying, "Hey, your interests are cool with me, even if I don't find them all that canon." This is also the only chapter so far that doesn't seem to fit in with the others (not to me, anyway), but hopefully you guys get some lulz out of it anyway. ^^

(OH HEY HONG KONG GETS A CAMEO IN THIS ONE. :D)

Translations are standard; the one sentence here in Italian was used in the last chapter, and it basically means "Spain, WTF?"

**EDIT:** I totally forgot to add this bit earlier, but before someone notices and I get my butt kicked for it, there's actually a story out there that this chapter is VERY VAGUELY based off of. It is also called "Telephone" and it's by VioletLolitaPop. I only borrowed the title and the pairing, promise.

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 16  
**

**Title: Telephone**  
**Main Characters: TOO MANY.**  
**Publish Date: August 8, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

_Hungary,_  
_Onhonhon, guess what I just learned!_  
_France_

* * *

France,  
Spill! Now!  
Hungary

* * *

_Hungary,_  
_I just learned that our dear Angleterre and America have a, let's say... "closet" relationship. They've been meeting for several weeks in London in almost total secrecy. I know because I almost walked in on them yesterday._  
_I want to infiltrate these meetings (if you catch my drift). Unfortunately, it seems Angleterre has put a spell on the place - if I so much as come within 5 kilometers of his borders, I turn into a literal frog... Could you lend a friend a hand?_  
_France_

* * *

France,  
OF COURSE I'LL HELP YOU. What, you thought you needed to ASK?  
I'll get a camera, and you can come with me in my pocket or something.  
Hungary

* * *

JAPAN~! I HAVE THE CHANCE OF A LIFETIME!  
Apparently America and England are making out in London RIGHT NOW, and France and I need a camera since that brute Prussia broke mine last week! Please, we need your help!  
Hungary

* * *

**Hungary-chan,**  
**I am at your service. Unfortunately, my newest camera is rather expensive and I would prefer to be the one to use it, if this is not a problem for you. Let me make a few preparations here, and I will be on my way.**  
**Japan**

* * *

**Germany-san,**  
**I am very sorry, but we will need to reschedule our meeting for another date. Something important has come up.**  
**Japan**

* * *

Japan,  
Eh? Like what?  
Germany

* * *

**Germany-san,**  
**Hungary-chan needs a camera. It seems that America-kun and England-san are up to something... less than diplomatic. She says it's very urgent, however, and that it cannot wait. Again, I am terribly sorry.**  
**Japan**

* * *

_Fratello~! I just saw an email in Germany's inbox saying something that makes it sound like America and England are having sex~! Isn't love wonderful~?_  
_Italy_

* * *

**FUCKING NO. THOSE TWO ARE FUCKING WEIRD.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

**SPAGNA, MA CHE CAZZO FAI? YOU'RE BEING A SELFISH BASTARD! COME BACK FROM YOUR DAMNED BUSINESS MEETING ALREADY!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

_Aw, I'm sorry Roma~! I'm almost done, promise!_  
_Is there something in particular you want from me? Hmm~?_  
_Spain_

* * *

**FUCKING PERVERT! NO I DON'T NEED YOU HERE FOR ANYTHING! AMERICA AND ENGLAND ARE HAVING ENOUGH CRAZY SEX FOR THE WHOLE DAMN WORLD ALREADY! I'M JUST... HUNGRY. YEAH, THAT'S IT.**  
**FUCK, JUST HURRY UP!**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Romano just told me something very odd~! Is it true that America and England are a couple and having kinky sex?_  
_Spain_

* * *

Spain,  
Well, damn! AWESOME! France told me that a few days ago, but I thought he was just making up stories for the fuck of it. But hey, maybe they are!  
Prussia

* * *

Canada,  
So what's up with your brother and England? Since when have they been banging each other? Because seriously, it's DAMN TIME they got rid of the sexual tension there!  
Prussia

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_...WHAT?_  
_THAT CAN'T BE RIGHT! WHO'D YOU HEAR THAT FROM?_  
_Canada_

* * *

Canada,  
France first, then Spain mentioned it. Why?  
Prussia

* * *

_America,_  
_WHAT ON EARTH IS GOING ON?_  
_France told Prussia (who told me) that you and England are "banging." I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm missing something, because last I knew, you were dating RUSSIA! Is there something you're not telling me?_  
_Canada_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**ASDFGHJKLWHATTHEFUCK**  
**America**

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**I don't know how many of you heard that England and I are in some sort of romantic relationship, but it's NOT TRUE. If it came from France, then he's just a liar who wishes he could join in on the sex that ISN'T GOING ON.**  
**America**

* * *

_Dear World (and America),_  
_But mon cher! It has been so long since you have experienced the pleasures of l'amour! Surely it is not my fault that I got excited over such a wonderful possibility!_  
_France_

* * *

**Dear World (and France),**  
**France is definitely a pervert and has no idea what he's talking about. I had sex with Russia last week, for crying out loud! I wouldn't call that a "long time," especially by our**  
**America**

* * *

**...Oh, fuck, I really hit "Send" on that last email to EVERYONE, didn't I.  
America **

* * *

America,  
YOU HAD SEX WITH RUSSIA? WHAT THE BLOODY HELL!  
England

* * *

**England, **  
**Better him than you. **  
**America **

* * *

_America,_  
_YOU TOTALLY GO, GIRLFRIEND! TOP THE HELL OUTTA THAT BIATCH FOR ME!_  
_Poland_

* * *

**Poland, **  
**Um... Thanks?**  
**America **

* * *

America,  
THANK GOODNESS. Maybe you'll finally mellow Mr. Russia out!  
Lithuania

* * *

**Lithuania, **  
**I'll try? I guess? **  
**America **

* * *

America,  
Kesesese! So how kinky is your sex with him?  
Prussia

* * *

**Prussia, **  
**What the HELL is wrong with you?**  
**America **

* * *

China,  
You owe me a couple thousand yuan for betting on England.  
Hong Kong

* * *

_DAMMIT, ARU!_  
_China_

* * *

France,  
You have my thanks for getting America to publicly admit that we are lovers. I believe I owe you some money now for completing that task, da?  
Russia

* * *

_Russia,_  
_Non, I will not take your money! I just wanted to spread l'amour, as always!_  
_France_

* * *

France,  
Ah, that is very kind of you, da!  
Now, if you excuse me, I believe that America is supposed to catch a flight here later today.  
Russia

* * *

_Hungary, Japan,_  
_Good news! I might have fabricated the story about America and England, but I have reason to believe that, as I'm typing this up, America is headed to Russia's home in Moscow._  
_Shall we all rendez-vous there?_  
_France_


	17. Ye Olde Mail Service

**AN: **(Man, I am on a ROLL with these things!)

Okay, I'm trying something a little different here and going for cuteness more than actual lulz. Which is hopefully okay with everyone...?

See, _midnight-elise_ got the 100th review, and so I asked her if she had any chapter ideas, and she asked for Holy Rome, Chibitalia, and the gang, "only instead of email, in letters, cuz it's back in the day and they didn't have email."

HOW COULD I NOT ATTEMPT SUCH AN ADORABLE IDEA? :D

I don't THINK I failed, but let me know what your opinion is anyway, please?

(And it looks like Prussia can predict internet memes several hundred years before they come into existence, because apparently he's JUST THAT AWESOME. XD)

Edit: Someone pointed out that HRE is actually supposed to be older than Prussia, hence I edited out the detail of Prussia being his older brother. XD (I don't get that... like, HRE totally looks like a kid, but when you see Prussia during that time period he looks like he's at least a teenager. o.O)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 17  
**

**Title: Ye Olde Mail Service**  
**Main Characters: Chibitalia, Holy Roman Empire**  
**Publish Date: August 10, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_I'm using that bird you gave me to send you a letter, because it's so late at night and I don't want Mr. Austria to catch me! Are you awake?_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**Yes, I'm awake! I was just... um... thinking about you, actually. Haha.**  
**Wow, isn't the weather here... nice...?**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_You were thinking about me? Aaaaaah I hope you weren't thinking creepy thoughts! Because Mr. Austria tells me to stay away from everyone who I think is creepy, but I don't want to stay away from you!_  
_And... huh? I guess the weather is fine. What's that supposed to mean? I don't understand!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**O-of course it wasn't creepy! I just... think about you occasionally is all! Nothing weird or creepy!**  
**And... thank you? F-for not wanting to stay away from me, haha. Ha.**  
**...Ignore the weather comment. It was made in poor taste.**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_Oh, good! I hoped that was what you meant! Every once in a while is okay, but all the time is creepy!  
__Where did you get this bird? It's so cute and fluffy! It keeps trying to bite my finger - I think it's hungry for something._  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**...Yeeeeah... I guess you're right... **  
**The bird? My brother gave it to me.** **If you have some grain lying around, maybe it would eat that?**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_Oh! You have a brother? Is he nice?_  
_I don't think I have any! The poor thing keeps pecking at me!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**My brother? N-NO HE ISN'T NICE! He's very creepy, actually! He keeps stalking Austria!**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_WAAH HE DOES? OH NO! WHAT IF HE COMES AND TRIES TO TAKE ME AWAY? IF MR. AUSTRIA CAN'T KEEP HIM AWAY THEN HE MUST BE REALLY BIG AND SCARY! WAAAAAH!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SCARE YOU! He is, but I'll protect you from him! It'll be okay!**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_Y-you will? You would do that?_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**Of course I'll protect you! I'm the great Holy Roman Empire!**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_Oh, t-that's so nice of you!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**W-well, um... that's what I'm supposed to do! It's not a problem!**  
**Is the chick still biting you? I fed it some grain I found.**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_Oh, t-the chick? Um... no! It's not biting me any more! Thank you!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**Um, y-you're welcome.**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome,_  
_WAAH I THINK WE SHOULD STOP SENDING LETTERS TONIGHT! I HEAR SOMEONE MOVING AROUND OUTSIDE AND I DON'T WANT TO BE CAUGHT!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Dear Italy,**  
**OH! U-Uh, okay then... Goodnight.**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

_Dear Holy Rome, _  
_Goodnight! _  
_Italy_

* * *

**I lo... um... never mind...**  
**Holy Rome**

* * *

Dear Austria,  
Am I crazy, or is there somebody outside?  
Hungary

* * *

_Dear Hungary, _  
_I heard it, too. I'm going out to check._  
_Austria_

* * *

Dear Austria,  
I'll come with you. Give me a minute to find a frying pan.  
Hungary

* * *

**Dear Austria,**  
**Guess who's climbing in your windows and snatching your piano strings up?  
KESESESESE!**


	18. Babies

**AN: **(SCHOOL, Y U NO GIVE ME LESS HOMEWORK?)

OTL

Back now, with crack. YAY CRACK! (And cracky this chapter is, oh my LORD.)

But before we get to the drug-induced stuff, I wanna say a couple things.  
First, towards the end of October/early in November, don't expect any updates. I KNOW for a fact that things in my life will get super-crazy then, because I'm performing in a play, have All-State Choir auditions, and have an important concert I need to be in... I mean, if you still think you can rely on regular updates from me anyway, you're totally crazy - no offense - but for the rest of you, I can guarantee that nothing will be happening then.  
Second, Eggy and I wrote a beautifully suggestive collab fic called "Psychiatrist," based off of the game of the same name. So, if you have any idea what that whole whacky game is about (and even if you don't; we're not picky), go check it out!  
Third, YOU GUYS ARE AMAZING. I HAVE SO MANY REVIEWS ON THIS FIC NOW IT MAKES ME WANT TO HUG EVERY CAT IN THE WORLD! OTL OTL OTL

(...Okay, outburst over.)

So... about this chapter. Someone told me I should write a chapter with Japan, and this one ended up with Japan in it. Someone else told me to write a chapter where everybody wants to get into America's pants, and so this one sort of does that, too. And I told myself that I HAD to write something hilariously stupid before my brain explodes from school/homework/practice/life in general, and this chapter definitely fits the bill. :D

In case anyone's curious about where I got the idea of putting all those things together, go to YouTube and look up "America Wants to Tell Japan Something"... It's like this, only reversed.

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 18  
**

**Title: Babies**  
**Main Characters: America, Japan, and maybe someone else...**  
**Publish Date: September 24, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_I want to have your babies._  
_Japan_

* * *

**ASDFGHJKLWHAT**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_It's true. I want to have sex with you and bear your children._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Okay, WHOA. Not cool.  
Am I reading your message right?  
...Yeah, I read that right.  
WHAT?**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_What isn't "cool" about it? I have stated what I want and would like you to agree with me.  
Now: would you allow me the honor of procreating with you, America-kun?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Are you HIGH, man? Because I'm pretty sure you don't have the right EQUIPMENT to have kids, if you know what I mean...**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_I can find the right equipment, I am sure. I will not let that stop us._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Dude, you're REALLY freaking me out right now! What the hell made you decide to do this?**  
**I'm not even going to THINK about what you just said about equipment because oh dear God, you did NOT just go where I think you went!  
(...Oh my GOD you DID! Japan, you SICKO!)**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_I've always wanted to do it. I just did not realize until recently._  
_Please, may we?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**Um, NO. HELL NO. I don't know what kind of freaky shit you're tripping on, but you need to lay off of it, man!**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_I am not "tripping," as you call it. I am quite sober, and I wish to have children with you._  
_Japan_

* * *

**No. Final answer.**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_Very well then. I must go commit seppuku. _  
_Japan_

* * *

**Whoa whoa whoa WHAT? Dude, don't kill yourself!**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_I'm afraid you don't understand. Living with your rejection violates my code of honor._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,  
Rejection violates your honor? You still pay attention to that shit?  
America**

* * *

_America-kun,  
In my home, we believe suicide is sometimes necessary. My people have always committed seppuku when they have brought dishonor upon themselves. I must maintain my dignity, or I shame myself as a nation.  
Good-bye.  
Japan _

* * *

**Okay, hold on a second! Dude, if it means THAT FREAKING MUCH to you, then meet me in Las Vegas tomorrow and we can get it on! No prob!**  
**America**

* * *

_America-kun,_  
_This is an acceptable arrangement. I will be there._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Canada,**  
**Quick! I need a stunt double for something! Meet me in Las Vegas tomorrow morning!**  
**America**

* * *

_Korea-kun,_  
_I want to have your babies._  
_Japan_

* * *

"Japan,"  
Cool story, bro.  
Korea

* * *

_Korea-kun,_  
_...You aren't going to fall for this, are you?_  
_Japan_

* * *

Hong Kong,  
As if. Nice try, but you forgot the "Greetings" bit that he tags on the beginning of every freaking email he sends.  
And "I want to have your babies"? Please - you'd have to be completely retarded to fall for THAT one.  
Korea


	19. The Unawesome Epic Fail

**AN: **So I'm still supposed to be busy, but because I currently have a cold and a whole ton of reasons to freak out about said cold, I'm just going to ignore the problems in my life and write fanfiction. /shot

Don't y'all love it when Prussia gets his butt kicked in a way that NOBODY saw coming? XD

(I don't actually know anything about the game they're talking about other than how badly my brother pwns me at it. -.-)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 19  
**

**Title: The Unawesome Epic Fail**  
**Main Characters: Prussia**  
**Publish Date: October 17, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**Just so we're all on the same page, whoever DARES to poke fun at me for that embarrassing, unmentionable THING I lost last week will get a kick in the balls.**  
**...Unless you happen to be Hungary, who doesn't have any balls. If you are, I'll do something positively fucking evil to your bitchy frying pan instead.****  
****Prussia**

**PS. ****CANADA GODDAMMIT DON'T SEND THAT PRICK WHO WON ANYTHING, EVEN IF HE ASKS POLITELY.**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_HAHAHAHA DUDE I'M MAKING FUN OF YOUUUUUU! You SO got your ass pwned!_  
_America_

* * *

**America,**  
**NOT AWESOME. YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SUPPORTING ME HERE!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

Pr'ssia,  
S'rry, but y' l'st.

* * *

**Sweden,**  
**Thanks for nothing, Captain Obvious.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Dear Prussia,_  
_Greetings. I was very saddened to hear of your defeat. Perhaps you would be more successful playing against him on one of my titles?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Shut the fuck up, you sarcastic ass.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

Prussia,  
Become one with me, and we will win together, da?  
Russia

-file attached-

* * *

**Russia,**  
**Hell no, you fucking CREEPER!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Serves you right, you stuffy arse... but really? HOW do you lose to HIM?_  
_England_

* * *

**England,**  
**Shut up. I don't know! He must have cheated, somehow!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_I don't know much about video games, but... that looked like it was real..._  
_England_

* * *

Prussia,  
Ahaha sorry you lost, mi amigo~! But it was quite funny to watch, I have to say!  
Spain

* * *

**Spain,**  
**Thanks for fucking NOT HELPING ME FEEL BETTER.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Mon cher, I apologize for our tactless Spanish friend._  
_If it makes you feel any better, I thought of a few ways your video-game hands could have been put to much... BETTER use, onhonhon. It's such a waste of the both of you._  
_France_

* * *

**France,**  
**SERIOUSLY?... You just ruined Black Ops forever with ONE SENTENCE! FUCK YOU!**  
**Prussia**

* * *

SERVES YOU RIGHT, POTATO BASTARD.  
ROMANO

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Who are you calling ball-less, you nasty little hypocrite?_  
_Hungary_

* * *

**Hungary,**  
**It was YOU, wasn't it? You trained that fucker, didn't you?**  
**Pfft, you dumb bitch. What the hell do hippos have to do with anything?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_No, actually. I showed him the controls, and he kicked my butt the second round we played._  
_...Why do I even bother with you? Google it, you asshole._  
_Hungary_

* * *

Prussia,  
Good. Maybe you've finally got some sense knocked into you.  
And clean up the basement - I can smell the stale beer from upstairs, and it's making me nauseous.  
Germany

* * *

**West,**  
**Fuck you, it's YOUR house to clean!**  
**...Why the hell are you sending me an email when we're in the same house, anyway?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Awww, it's okay~! I would think anyone would lose to him, ve~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Italy,**  
**...WHAT?**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Well, Austria plays the piano and all those other funny musical instruments, so I bet his hands are very very fast and coordinated, see~? And he's gotten really good at making up his own songs as he goes along, so I bet that makes him really good at improvising ways to kill you off, even if he doesn't practice for hours and hours~!_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Italy,**  
**I never thought I'd say this, but GOTT IN HIMMEL YOU'RE A FUCKING GENIUS.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

_Prussia,_  
_Ve, really~?_  
_Italy_

* * *

**Um... sure. Why not?  
Well, there's another reason to steal his piano strings, at least. KESESESE.**  
**Prussia**

* * *

Dear "Canada,"  
I'm sorry I can't remember exactly who you are... but Prussia talks of you quite frequently, so I'm pretty sure you're the right person to email.  
I'm sure you've heard about your obnoxious friend's loss against me in Black Ops. In case he neglected to tell you, we made a bet where, if he lost, I would get rights to view all the embarrassing pictures of him at LegoLand. Correct me if I'm wrong, but aren't they in your possession? Forward them to me, please.  
Have a nice day.  
Austria


	20. Demonstrations

**AN: **(For just a moment of your time, allow me to self-promote crap here - I recently posted the first two chapters of another ridiculously angsty story titled "This Hurricane." It happens to be about Italy going rather... nuts. Yeeeeah. -.- The people who've reviewed so far say it's good, so I'm mentioning it here in case my bizarre fanfic-bipolarness actually appeals to someone out there. ^^)

And now for the stuff that's actually relevant.

So this is supposed to be a ridiculously late birthday present for _midnight-elise_, whose special day was a couple weeks ago... Whoops... Anyway, I actually got around to doing that chapter with the REAL Japan and not just Hong Kong pretending to be Japan; that's what this is. I hope it doesn't disappoint!

Also, much love goes out to Eggy, with whom I share an anniversary! :D Exactly a year ago today, we took an imaginary trip to Vegas, filled out the imaginary paperwork, had an imaginary wedding, and got everyone in the imaginary wedding party horribly wasted. As you can probably imagine, it was freaking AWESOME.

LOVE YOU, DARLING~

(Another thing about this chapter: do they, or don't they? I'm not quite sure. XD)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 20  
**

**Title: Demonstrations  
****Main Characters: Japan and Greece**  
**Publish Date: December 1, 2011**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Um... What was that last email you sent to me?...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Dear Greece-san,_  
_Greetings. I'm sorry, but you must be mistaken, because I have not sent you any emails lately. Hong Kong hacked my account recently; perhaps one of his pranks is what you received._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**No... This email is definitely from you...**  
**And please... just call me "Greece." Don't bother with the "san" part...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Dear Greece-san,_  
_Greetings. My apologies, but I really have no idea what you mean. I haven't sent you anything lately._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Japan,**  
**It had an attachment... and the email subject was "The Oneshot You Wanted," I think... Does this sound familiar?...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Dear Greece-san,_  
_Greetings. I still don't..._  
_...WHAT? OH NO THAT WAS SUPP_

* * *

_Dear Greece-san,_  
_(My apologies, I hit the send button on accident.)_  
_That email you described was not meant for you. I'm so sorry, it was meant to be sent to Hungary-chan instead. Please, if you would be very kind and forward it to her without looking at that attachment, I would be most grateful._  
_Japan_

* * *

_Dear Greece-kun,_  
_Greetings...? It's been a few hours, and I have not heard a response from you. Could you please email me back?_  
_Japan_

* * *

_Dear Greece-kun,_  
_Please, send me back a message soon! And don't look at the attachment! Arigato!_  
_Japan_

* * *

_GREECE!_

* * *

**Hey... You finally dropped the "san" bit...**  
**...I never knew you could be so creative with chains...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_Oh no. You read it, didn't you?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**Sorry... Curiosity got the better of me...**  
**It was really rather good, by the way...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_What is that American saying again? "Curiosity killed the cat," I believe?_  
_I'm... well, I'm terribly sorry. It's rather embarrassing to have sent it to the wrong person. My apologies._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Nah... I really thought it was good... But who were the characters?... Are they from an anime?...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_Well, yes they are. Hungary and I are having an exchange of, um... educational fanfiction._  
_Japan_

* * *

**Huh... I thought it was good... but I didn't find it educational... It didn't sound very accurate...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_Excuse me? It wasn't accurate? Oh dear, I knew it needed to be beta-read first! Please, where is this inaccuracy you speak of?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**On page 7... you mention a chain that the two... participants... are sharing... and that's okay, but the angle you're describing would mean that their wrists are too far apart for a chain that size...**  
**It's not noticeable... I'm just saying...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,  
No, I'm sorry to argue your point, but it really would work. I've seen cosplayers do it before in demonstrations.  
__Japan_

* * *

**...I'm not understanding this...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_You don't? Would you like for me to explain it in detail?_  
_Japan_

* * *

**No... I never was good with explanations... I think I need my own demonstration...**  
**Greece**

* * *

_Greece-kun,_  
_Certainly._  
_Japan_

* * *

_Dear Hungary-san,_  
_Greetings. I'm very sorry, but you might not receive my gift for a few more days. Greece and I are having a bit of an argument, and I'm going go his place now to assist him with the visualization of a bondage scene._  
_Good day._  
_Japan_

* * *

Japan,  
...Wait, you and Greece are doing WHAT?  
Hungary


	21. Of Communism and CocaCola

**AN:** Somebody fill me in on where I should go to college already. Seriously. I'm sick on doing scholarships for three different potential places. /shot

Hey, long time no update. Sorry about that. DX Long story short, life was not so kind to me these past few months. The only things I've managed to post lately were written a super-long time ago. OTL This, however, is actually pretty new (and pretty truthful, too), so hopefully it works out.

Because our dear Russia uses the Cyrillic alphabet and his own language for a minute, I just want to point out that he's saying "America, No, I can't. Russia." And no, that other phrase Russia uses in here doesn't actually translate into "capitalist." It's a little more... vulgar than that. Also, BABELFISH: Y U NO ACCURATE? XD

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 21  
**

**Title: Of Communism and Coca-Cola  
****Main Characters: America and Russia**  
**Publish Date: March 28, 2012**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

_Damn Commie Bastard,_  
_What the fuck is WRONG with you?_  
_America_

* * *

**America,**  
**In case you have not noticed, I am not a communist anymore. And what is your question asking?**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Damn Commie Bastard,_  
_You'll always be a communist. And I KNOW you can read English! You saw the question!_  
_America_

* * *

**Америка,**  
**Нет, я не могу.**  
**Россия**

* * *

_You ASS._  
_America_

* * *

**Oh, I thought we were much more mature than that.**  
**But with the name-calling put aside, what is it exactly you want from me?**  
**(Вы хуесос.)**  
**Russia**

* * *

_I want to know why you DID it, that's what!_  
_(WTF does that mean? "You [khuesos?" Wow, Babelfish really screws that translation up...)_  
_America_

* * *

**What did I do? I do not know what you are speaking of.**  
**(It's a less common word for "capitalist," da.)**  
**Russia**

* * *

_You are pretty much SCREAMING to the world, "FRANCE AND ENGLAND NEED TO GET TOGETHER!" What the FUCK!_  
_(Oh, okay.)_  
_America_

* * *

**...I do what?**  
**Russia**

* * *

_You DO! Ever heard of FrUK? Or do you live in a hole - OH WAIT, SIBERIA IS A HOLE. NEVER MIND._  
_America_

* * *

**Are you going to get to a point in this conversation? Or should I begin to ignore your emails?**  
**Russia**

* * *

_No, seriously! Why the hell do you want them to get together? And through a kind of SODA, seriously!_  
_America_

* * *

**...Perhaps I do not always mean this when I say it, but I have not gotten the idea you are talking about at all. Soda?**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Wait. Wait, you don't know?_  
_America_

* * *

**No... I do not. Please explain.**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Um. Well, this is awkward._  
_See, apparently, somebody in your country had the GENIUS idea to create a drink called - OF ALL THINGS - Fruktime. France found a bottle of it last week and thinks it's HILARIOUS since he's been trying to molest England for God knows how many centuries, but England is fucking PISSED and out for MY blood! This isn't MY fault! Why__ the hell he blames ME, I don't know, but I KNOW this was somehow your fault since it came from YOUR country! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU DAMN COMMIE?__  
...Also, what the heck does a handbell taste like? That's one of the flavors. The fuck?  
__America_

* * *

**There are probably many things that you would say are very wrong with me. Communism is currently NOT one of those things.**  
**I looked up this product. It is made by Coca-Cola. Is that company not American?**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Wait, it's made by - oh fruk it IS made_

* * *

_My bad, I didn't mean to send that. And I meant "fuck," not "fruk." Um.  
..._  
_It IS made by Coca-Cola! SHIT. So... I guess this isn't your fault anymore? (God dammit how do I explain this one to England?...)_  
_America_

* * *

**You're very much welcome, America. You perhaps should just phone him, I think.**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Dammit! You commie, that didn't work!  
Hey, you didn't answer my question. What does handbell taste like? _  
_America_

* * *

_Dude, seriously, I'm curious. Please?  
Also, England is still pissed. Suggestions?  
America _

* * *

_Helloooooo. Handbell flavor. What's it taste like?  
And ENGLAND. How do I get him NOT pissed off at me?  
...Look, I'll even call you a capitalist! YOU'RE A CAPITALIST. There. Now reply already!_  
_America_

* * *

_In Russian? Will that help?  
Вы хуесос, see?_  
_America_

* * *

**Lithuania,**  
**By the end of this week, I would like to have pulled a prank on our friend America. I say you create a false order of Fruktime under his name and his money to send to England. Make it at least 100 liters large, da? **  
**Russia **


	22. Annoyance

**AN:** GUYS, I GOT THIS STUFF FIGURED OUT! I'm enrolled in a pretty sweet college, and my AP English Lit/Comp exam is OVER. Plus, you know. I'm kind of out of school and am now getting ready for a trip to Germany. DREI WOCHEN IN DEUTSCHLAND! :P Life is good.

So, like always, check my crap out. I finished one multi-chaptered fic, started a new one, and have posted a one-shot since the last time I updated this thing.

This particular chapter was written with a combination of my brain, the radio, a lack of sleep, and lots of sugary desserts from all these graduation parties I've been going to (my own included). I'm probably going to look at it in the morning and go, "WTF was I smoking?" XD

Anybody else have their own sweet parody lyrics to this annoying-as-all-get-out song? :D Review!

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 22  
**

**Title: Annoyance  
****Main Characters: Everyone**  
**Publish Date: May 27, 2012**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

**Dear Everyone,**  
**WHAT'S UP WORLD?**  
**Listen, so England is absolutely wasted off his ass right now, and I just got the greatest blackmail tape EVER of him drunk-dancing and, like, freaking gyrating to this totally awesome new hit "Call Me Maybe." The song is annoying as hell, but trust me, that's what makes this video even better!**  
**Whoever comes up with the best parody lyrics to the chorus gets the footage. Bonus points for keeping the first part of the rhyming scheme intact and shit.**  
**ReadysetGO!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
A tape of our dear Angleterre GYRATING? I approve of this.  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_Angleterre's drinking_  
_Molest him, baby!_  
France

* * *

**France,**  
**Aw MAN, dude, you totally would do that!**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
Wow, this sounds like fun~!  
_Hey, I just met you~_  
_And this is crazy~_  
_All German women~_  
_Are strong and scary~!_  
Ve, that's good isn't it?~  
Italy

* * *

**Italy,**  
**Yeah, that doesn't suck!**  
**America**

* * *

America-kun,  
Greetings. I must admit to you, I am sorely tempted to try this.  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_Is this your kitten?_  
_It's soft and hairy._  
...That... did not turn out the way I anticipated. Oh my.  
Japan

* * *

**Japan,**  
**Dude, I still laughed. Way to step out of your comfort zone!**  
**America**

* * *

**Greece,**  
**Check this shit out from Japan. Haha! I laughed so hard!**  
**America**

**-forwarded message attached-**

* * *

America,  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_Romano blushing_  
_Is cute and sexy!_  
...Hahahahaha. I'm going to pay for this if he looks in my sent mail.  
Spain

* * *

**Spain,**  
**But to try and blackmail England? So worth it. So, so worth it.**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_I'm fucking AWESOME!_  
_So suck it, baby!_  
SEND THAT VIDEO MY WAY!  
Prussia

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**Wow, you guys wouldn't believe how many nations actually responded to this challenge. Seriously, I have no idea who'll win this thing.**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_Come clean my basement!_  
_Prussia's too lazy._  
I think that works, ja?  
Germany

* * *

**America,**  
_**Hey, I just met you**_  
_**And this is crazy**_  
_**Da, sign this contract**_  
_**KOLKOLKOLKOLKOL.**_  
**Russia**

**-file attached-**

* * *

America,  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_Pay your debt, aru!_  
_You owe me money!_  
No, really! I'm being serious, aru!  
China

* * *

**America,**  
**I want to try!**  
_**Hey, I just met you**_  
_**And this is crazy**_  
_**Read FrUK doujinsjis**_  
_**...**_  
**Oh God, I'm sorry. My nose started bleeding and now I can't finish my thought. Whoops.**  
**Hungary**

* * *

America,  
_Hey, I just met you_  
_And this is crazy_  
_I like all-sized chests_  
_On guys AND ladies!_  
DA ZEEEEEEE!  
Korea

* * *

**AMERICA,**  
_**HEY, I JUST MET YOU**_  
_**AND THIS IS CRAZY**_  
_**GERMANY'S A POTATO**_  
_**HE FLOATS IN GRAVY.**_  
**THERE, I FUCKING WIN.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

**Dear World,**  
**Okay, you guys got me. I seriously have no idea who should get the prize, so I'm just going to send it to all of you.**  
**Have fun! Try not to laugh your asses off!**  
**America**

**-link attached-**

* * *

_Dear World,_  
_NO! AMERICA LIED - DON'T CLICK ON THE VIDEO LINK! IT'S NOT SOME BLOODY VIDEO OF ME DANCING! IT'S A WEBSITE TO SOME VIDEO OF RICK ASTLEY SINGING SOME BLOODY SONG ABOUT HOW HE FUCKING LOVES HIS GIRLFRIEND AND ISN'T GOING TO GIVE HER UP! IT'S THE MOST ANNOYING THING I'VE EVER HEARD!_  
_England_

* * *

Dear England,  
I don't honestly mean to call you out on this, but do you really think "Never Going to Give You Up" is the most annoying song on the planet?  
I wasn't a part of this contest, but really - even I'm not THAT stupid.  
Austria

* * *

**SPAIN,**  
**WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM, DAMN BASTARD? "ROMANO BLUSHING IS CUTE AND SEXY"? WHAT THE HELL!**  
**YOU'RE ON THE COUCH TONIGHT, YOU BITCH. FUCK YOU.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

Japan,  
America forwarded your parody lyrics... It was nice. Is there any chance that you... maybe... want to see my kitten? I got a new one yesterday... He's cute.  
Greece

* * *

Greece-kun,  
Of course. I'll be over with a collar for him very shortly.  
Japan


	23. Wrong Number

**AN:** OH LOOK. I LIVE. AND I'M BACK FROM VACATION, SO I WROTE THIS.

AND I WILL WARN YOU, "THIS" GETS KIND OF PERVY. JUST SO YOU ALL KNOW. I BET YOU CAN HANDLE IT, THOUGH.

/capslock

So this was inspired by a thread on Reddit, but the motivation actually came from _Bai-Marionette_, who left a review for every single chapter of this fic for no apparent reason. Thanks!

(If anybody actually knows about the Cat-Facts texts without having to Google it, I'll hug you. Seriously.)

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 23  
**

**Title: Wrong Number  
****Main Characters: Virtually Everyone**  
**Publish Date: July 30, 2012**

* * *

**XXX **

* * *

**DEAR WORLD,**  
**OKAY, EVERYBODY SHUT THE FUCK UP AND PAY ATTENTION TO ME HERE. WE NEED TO HAVE A MAJOR CONFERENCE HERE SO THAT SHIT CAN HAPPEN.**  
**WELL. APPARENTLY SOME STRIPPING BITCH HAS DECIDED TO HAND OUT A FAKE PHONE NUMBER TO ALL HER ASSHOLE CUSTOMERS. GUESS WHO HAPPENS TO HAVE THE PHONE BEING BOMBARDED WITH THESE BASTARDS? HERE'S YOUR HINT: HIS NAME BEGINS WITH A "V," HE LOVES PASTA, AND HE'S A FUCKING AIRHEAD.**  
**SO I STOLE HIS PHONE AND HAVE BEEN TELLING THESE GUYS TO ALL GO FUCK THEMSELVES, BUT THAT'S LAME. HOW CAN I SCREW WITH THESE SONS OF BITCHES?**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

_Romano (and World),_  
_First, this is the most AWESOME fucking thing I've ever seen in my inbox, EVER._  
_Second, calling or texting? If they're calling and asking for this chick, just tell them that her mouth is busy and hang up. You're welcome!_  
_Prussia_

* * *

**Prussia and World,**  
**You sick BASTARD! That'd be hilarious!**  
**America**

* * *

Dear World,  
I don't get it~! You're telling them that she's eating dinner? Or... something else?  
Spain

* * *

_Prussia and World,_  
_I never thought I would say this, but the thought of pulling off a prank like that actually makes me wish I was a man._  
_Hungary_

* * *

**Romano and World,**  
**Okay, here's my plan if they're texting you. Ask for one guy's address (so she can stop by sometime, you know?), then plant a camera and send another guy to that address with sex toys and lube.**  
**The looks on their faces would be PRICELESS.**  
**America**

* * *

_America and World,_  
_NO, you ought to tell one of them to come dressed as a police officer! Say it's a kink!_  
_Prussia_

* * *

**Dear Prussia-san and World,**  
**Greetings. I was not planning on commenting, but I can't resist offering my opinion. I think it would be amusing if one of them was dressed as a criminal with a gun and if he was told that the password into the home was, "Give me all your money."**  
**Japan**

* * *

Japan and World,  
HAH! I ALWAYS KNEW YOU ALL WERE SECRETLY KINKY!  
I say we do ALL of those AT THE SAME TIME.  
England

* * *

On second thought, don't use one of their addresses. Just send everyone across the way to France's house.  
England

* * *

**Excellent plan, Angleterre!**  
**France**

* * *

_OH MY GOD I'M SO VIDEOTAPING THIS!_  
_Hungary_

* * *

**Dear Romano and World,**  
**No, the subtle way is more fun, da?**  
**You should pretend you are the brother of this pretty girl when they call.**  
**KOLKOLKOLKOL.**  
**Russia**

* * *

_Russia and World,_  
_I like that, aru! "THAT'S MY SISTER YOU'RE TEXTING ARU! SHE'S FOURTEEN!"_  
_China_

* * *

Everyone,  
What if, maybe, you pretended to be her dad instead?  
Canada

* * *

**Romano and People,**  
**SWEET IDEA HERE: act like you're her dad instead!**  
**America**

* * *

_"IF YOU CALL MY DAUGHTER AGAIN I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"_  
_KESESESESESESESESESE!_  
_Prussia_

* * *

Romano and World,  
...If I might interrupt this, how did your brother react to his phone being bombarded by these men?  
Germany

* * *

**GERMANY AND WORLD,**  
**FUCK OFF YOU POTATO, MY FRATELLO IS FINE. HE WAS ALL, "ROMANO, VE, THIS PERSON WANTS TO MAKE PASTA WITH ME OR SOMETHING~! IS THIS A FOOD ITEM~?" AND THEN HE'D SHOW ME THE TEXT AND THIS SICK BASTARD WOULD BE ASKING TO FEEL UP HIS TITS OR SOMETHING CREEPY. I TOOK HIS PHONE SO HE COULDN'T RESPOND WITH A YES.**  
**HE'S SO FUCKING RETARDED, GOD.**  
**ALSO, YOU ALL ARE PERVERTS. THESE IDEAS ARE FUCKING AWESOME.**  
**ROMANO**

* * *

_Romano and World,_  
_Is Switzerland a part of this conversation?... No?..._  
_Plant cameras. Tell them to show up on his doorstep and that, to get past the "doorman" and meet with her, they need to ask for a private audience with the "little girl" who lives there._  
_Shit would EXPLODE._  
_Prussia_

* * *

Dear Prussia and World,  
Don't be absurd: you'd cause World War III, you idiot!  
Austria

* * *

_Everyone,_  
_That idea would be, like, totally hilarious if you could somehow get that to happen with Belarus answering the door! OMG, just imagine it!_  
_Poland_

* * *

**Poland and World,**  
**"Hey, I'm here to see the Russian about the sex services I was promised over the phone HOLYFUCKYOUHAVEAKNIFE!"**  
**YESSSSS!**  
**America**

* * *

**"Yes, this is her manager! I'm sorry, but she's currently our most popular transsexual escort - do you want me to pencil you in her schedule for next month?"**  
**Bonus points if they STILL end up at my house! Onhonhon~**  
**France**

* * *

_Or we could send them to Korea's place, aru. He would enjoy the attention._  
_...Where IS he, anyway? I would think he would love to hear of these pranks, aru!_  
_China_

* * *

**...Good question, dude.**  
**(On a completely unrelated note, why does this make me want to reference "Call Me Maybe" some more?)**  
**America**

* * *

_Hong Kong,_  
_NO, the rest of the world can't see this message._  
_You set this whole operation up, didn't you? There's no way some random stripper could have guessed ITALY'S personal phone number!_  
_South Korea_

* * *

Korea,  
...I may or may not have paid a lovely lady to hand out the wrong number for a week, yes.  
Don't judge. I was bored. That, and China was dumb enough to give me money to blow.  
Want to prank Japan next?  
Hong Kong

* * *

_OH HELL YES! You buy a fake phone for Cat-Facts texting - let's go!_  
_Korea_


	24. Translations

**AN: **Holy fudge monkeys... It's been a year since I've updated this! D: I'm sorry guys! College kind of screws up your writing schedule. And by "kind of," I mean it's basically like "OMG I HAVE SO MANY THINGS TO DO BEFORE I GO TO BED TONIGHT I'LL NEVER HAVE THE TIME TO GET EVERYTHING DONE WAAAAAAAAH!"

I wish I was exaggerating. :/

But I got to go to China and Japan with the college band for an international tour! And then I hauled myself down to Costa Rica and spoke a lot of Spanish. Speaking of, I shamelessly ripped off one of my professor's stories for this chapter. But I bet y'all will appreciate it anyway. :)

And as always, go check out my other stuff. I published something for _Rise of the Guardians_ over Christmas break as a present for someone, and I put out a moderately depressing poetic-prose-story-thing about Prussia and Hungary just because.

Have fun.

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Chapter 24**

**Title: Translations  
Main Characters: Spain and America**  
**Publish Date: July 30, 2013**

* * *

**XXX**

* * *

**Spain,**  
**Dude, I dunno if you remember this or not, but one time we got absolutely shitfaced and had an awesome time bothering England about his sexual preferences. Are you available for another round?**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_¡Hola! I just got back from a conference in Latin America, but yes, I'll go once I spend a little time with Romano!_  
_Spain_

* * *

**Spain,**  
**A Latin American conference? Sounds boring. Anything neat happen?**  
**America**

* * *

_America,_  
_Well, it was a little dull. But Costa Rica and I spent a lot of time talking about sluts._  
_Spain_

* * *

**...Wait. What?**  
**America**

* * *

_Sí, they have a lot of sluts in their national parks, I guess._  
_Spain_

* * *

**...They have sluts in their NATIONAL PARKS.**  
**Are you pullin' my leg right now?**  
**America**

* * *

_No, I'm being serious! You didn't know this?_  
_Spain_

* * *

**Um. No.**  
**...Tell me more?**  
**America**

* * *

_...What is there to tell? They live in the trees and eat leaves._  
_Spain_

* * *

**Ummmm... these... SLUTS... live IN the trees? So lots of people can just come to these parks and look up and be like, "Oh hey, it's a slut!" like... REALLY?**  
**America**

* * *

_Well... yes. They're there for the tourists, I think._  
_Spain_

* * *

**Oh my God.**  
**That's... THAT'S... WHAT.**  
**So wait, is it... you know, OBVIOUS when you're looking at a slut? I mean... do they wear some special clothes or something?**  
**America**

* * *

_Pffft, of course they don't wear clothes! That would be a little odd. No, they have a lot of hair, so they don't need clothes!_  
_It sounds like you've never seen a slut before! That's weird. I thought they existed in the United States, too._  
_Spain_

* * *

**Costa Rica,**  
**Okay, so we haven't talked in AGES, my bad, but I have a REALLY weird question. Spain said that you were talking at a recent meeting about something in your national parks that eats leaves and lives in the trees and has a lot of hair. This thing would be a...?**  
**America**

* * *

America,  
A sloth.  
Costa Rica

* * *

**CR,**  
**OMIGODOMIGODOMIGOD**

* * *

_America,_  
_Soooooo drinking soon? ¿Sí? ¿No?_  
_Spain_

* * *

_Hello? America?_  
_Spain_

* * *

_America? ¿Dónde estás? Where'd you go?_  
_Spain_

* * *

**Dear World (specifically whoever is closest to me geographically right now)**  
**HOLY SHIT!**  
**HELP!**  
**I'm typing this on my phone because I seriously think if I get off the floor I'll pee all over myself because I'm laughing so hard! I'm dying here! Someone get their ass over here and HELP LIKE RIGHT NOW BWAHAHAHA!**  
**Also: whoever sees him first, TELL SPAIN THAT HE'S A DUMBASS AND IT JUST MADE MY LIFE A HELL OF A LOT BETTER!**  
**AHAHAHAHAHAHA!**  
**America**


End file.
